Homeowners Clipped in Credit Market

Money turns against Money, Borrowers Incur Damage

Inebriated Press
August 16, 2007

Greedy bankers have screwed innocent homebuyers and its time for restitution.  At least that’s what homebuyer Robb Freely says.  Bankers say they were just trying to help.  Government regulators think something is happening in the credit market and plan a thorough analysis of credit rules, capital markets and Britney Spears nanny later this month.

Financial periodical The Street reports that many exotic mortgages taken out by homebuyers in recent years have backfired.  The Street said that part of the problem was overaggressive marketing of complex niche financial products intended for sophisticated and savvy customers.  During the recent housing boom banks offered elaborate loans to huge numbers of morons who discovered that when interest rates rise and the value of their house declines the monthly payment on a variable rate mortgage tends to not only vary, but to go up.  This has them noticeably agitated.

“The monthly payment on my $500,000 house jumped from $100.00 a month to almost $125.00,” said Robb Freely a homebuyer who is struggling to make payments on four homes he bought so he could make a ‘killing’ on them.  “This is not fair.  I was speculating that the housing market would stay strong and it’s not.  These bankers are cheating me.”

Not everyone agrees with Freely.  “I just wanted to help him leverage his $50 savings bond and excess monthly cash flow while I reached my monthly bonus,” said C. M. Cummin local banker and part-time WWF fan.  “I don’t cheat people.  If I didn’t think he’d studied the five inch stack of forms and papers I had him sign to take out the loan, I might not have let him do it, maybe.  Probably.  Possibly.”

Last week Countrywide Financial, one of the nation’s largest lenders, was still offering loans that are at the center of the current meltdown.  That’s despite the companies beating in the stock market and anticipation that most of the loans they are still making look doomed.  One of Countrywide’s products is an exotic Adjustable-Rate Mortgage (ARM) that allows a borrower to make less than their monthly payment and have the shortfall added to the loan’s principle.  This basically means the borrower is borrowing to pay an amount that they’ve already borrowed.  If the interest they owe isn’t covered by the payment, then they borrow money to pay interest on the interest that they are supposed to pay on the loan.  Can Countrywide ever get paid back or a borrower ever pay off the loan?  Countrywide isn’t worried.

“We know that these loans benefit people and our executive’s portfolios and that we can foreclose on borrowers anytime we want,” said Smokey Fogg, spokesperson and bookie at Countrywide.  “And if things get bad enough the Federal Government will bail us out because our collapse would be bad for the country.  Nice folks like Robb Freely could be hurt and so could our CEO.”

Not everyone is like Countrywide’s CEO, or like Robb Freely or even absent federal regulators.  Some are individuals like Vera Litle.  “I bought a $50,000 house in the bad part of town with a small down payment and a lien on my Glock 17,” said Litle.  “The banker said that on my fixed income I could still make payments of $500 a month and buy food on the side.  Now that he wants $750 a month and I’ve eaten my cat and have no pets left, I’ll have to do something else.  I’m sure glad I didn’t borrow more to buy stock in Countrywide like my banker suggested.  He said I could make a killing and if I’d bought some stock and still had my Glock, he’d have been right because he’d have been it.”

In other news, sleepy weasels quietly invade Poland and Britney’s nanny signs with Playboy.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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