Daily Archives: August 17, 2007

Russia Goes Retro, Wants Cold War Back

Putin says he’s bored, misses old KGB days

Inebriated Press
August 17, 2007

Russia’s air force on Friday resumed permanent bomber patrols over the country for the first time in 15 years, President Vladimir Putin said. Putin cited the need for more media attention and said he missed the adrenalin rush he used to get when he was a spy chief running the KGB.  “The West used to get twitchy when we’d do some weird shit,” said the Russian leader.  “We’d see a spike in their aerial reconnaissance and there’d be an increase in the amount of secret radio traffic.  The U.S. President would go into a closed session with his advisors and stay up late and eat in.  Kind of makes me giddy just thinking about it.”

Foreign policy experts say that in recent weeks Putin’s been driving his wife crazy by wandering around the house kicking the cat and swearing.  Reportedly she told him to quit grousing about the old days and either do something or “suck it up”.  Medical experts say that after Putin turned 50 years-of-age he began to fear he was becoming like Boris Yeltson, sitting around reading comics and drinking.  Only on rare occasions did he cut off the Ukraine’s oil supply just to get a rise out of them.

“He’s pushing 55 and the word around Moscow is that he can’t get it up,” said former U.S. Secretary of State and Foreign Policy Expert Henry Kissinger.  “When a top government official faces that day he becomes even less stable.  I was President Nixon’s advisor when he turned 60.  The Watergate break-in was the least of the crap he was trying to pull that year.  And according to the FBI he and Pat were having relations.  Then there’s Bill Clinton.  He turned 50 while in the Oval Office with what’s-her-name and the blue dress.  Forget about it.  Russia is in for some serious shit.”

Secret tapes recently discovered confirmed that Putin is planning to ramp up efforts to bring back the glory of the Soviet Empire.  The tapes were made by Putin’s psychologist and discovered in a cheese box next to a washing machine in the Kremlin basement.  Apparently the psychologist had forgotten them there when washing out some underwear after work.  The U.S. State Department verified the tapes authenticity and issued a statement that said they weren’t surprised by the revelation because cheese boxes are frequently used for storing things.

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said that currently Russia engages in 17 different categories of human rights abuses and has been outpacing the U.S. in other nasty ways.  She said that Putin has indicated an appreciation for the increasing number of Russian governors using Soviet style tactics but feels that progress isn’t being made fast enough.

“He’s still an old KGB guy and as we all know they get their juices flowing when they get the world nervous and generate a lot of media coverage,” shouted Rice to the Press Corps at a recent U2 concert.  “I heard that after the Cold War ended KGB agents stopped having kids ’cause nothing worked anymore.”

In a document leaked by the CIA Putin is quoted whining about the loss of press coverage while attending a conference held in the Middle East.  “I’m not climbing into a bottle like Boris,” said Putin at a meeting for war mongers, past and present.  “You Iranians and North Koreans are getting all the headlines for global destabilization and we Russians invented it.  Now we’re being forgotten.  No longer do the world’s leaders tremble or shit tacks when they read of Russian espionage or military power.  No longer does my wife Ludmila think the sun rises and sets in my pants.  Well enough is enough.”

In other news, President Bush played croquet on the White House lawn today and remains confident he can beat Laura in best out of five.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Lindsay Lohan Opens Rehab Spa and BBQ

Innovative new Spa provides booze, ribs and rehab at the same time

Inebriated Press
August 17, 2007

Lindsay Lohan may not be in the news for being arrested the last two days but that doesn’t mean she isn’t keeping busy.  Currently she’s running the new Circle 4 BBQ & Rehab Spa a revolutionary new rehabilitation clinic with a bar, grill and lots of barbeque.  After alcohol counseling a Spa member can chomp on a rib and then slam a few shots at the bar and afterward take a few laps around a track in a bumper car.  Attendants dressed like cops will even pull the cars over and make fake arrests just for “ole time’s sake”.  Hollywood insiders say it’s the cat’s pajamas and even Jack Nickelson is thinking of stopping in for a few drinks and might hang around long enough to smash the windshields of a few bumper cars.  But not everyone is impressed.

“This is the most ghastly thing I’ve seen since becoming sober,” said Ralph Sumore, director of the local Alcoholics Anonymous Chapter.  “It’s like living with Britney Spears!”

LiLo’s days start with a morning hike, meditation, breakfast and chores — all before 9 a.m. After meetings, workshops and recovery programs, there’s only an hour and a half of free time left on the daily roster to cook up some ribs before knocking off for a night of heavy partying.  The key to the new Spa is that it’s all on-site so fewer innocent bystanders are being run over and fewer cars are destroyed by drunken drivers. 

“This has got to be one of the most innovative approaches to handling crazed drunks since handcuffs,” said Hugh Hefner, Playboy magnate and sex crazed old guy.  “And believe me I know drunks and I know handcuffs.”

Dave Anderson, founder of Famous Dave’s BBQ said he not only likes what Lohan is doing but he’s considering a joint venture with her to create a new franchise.  “The BBQ Rehab Spa is an idea whose time has come,” said Anderson pulling a rib from his back pocket and chewing it.  “If we do this right we can turn dull old rehab centers and BBQ joints on their ears!”

In other news, Lindsay’s dad issued a statement saying that he was supportive of Lindsay’s work at the Spa and of Hefner’s work at the Playboy Mansion and hoped to be invited to both.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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