Daily Archives: August 21, 2007

Vampire Numbers Surge as Rain Forest Cleared

Battle between living and undead ramps

Inebriated Press
August 21, 2007

A new study confirms that the number of vampires in the world is growing and thriving due to destruction of the South American rainforest and growth in the world’s human population.  Ever since the days of Count Dracula, scientists and vampire hunters have viewed Romania as having the largest vampire population; little did they know that an enormous colony was hiding in the Brazilian rainforest and that environmentalists are in league with them.

“I’ve been telling you that environmentalists are an emanation of the undead,” said Rush Limbaugh, conservative radio talk show host and leader of most right-wing plots currently staged in the United States.  “They’ve been supporting programs and policies that suck the life blood out of America and now it’s shown that they’ve been supporting the vampires that suck the actual hemoglobin out of the citizens in this country.”

Not everyone sees it the way Limbaugh does.  “He’s nuts and so are his ilk,” said Howard Stern, radio shock-jock and left-wing sexual-rights fanatic.  “Vampires are fun and I love’em.  Especially the ones with really big hooters.”

Christian Voigt and his colleagues at the Leibiwitz Institute for Zoo and Vampire Research in Berlin reported in the recent study that vampires trapped by researchers in the U.S. and Brazil had matching isotopes in exhaled carbon dioxide.  This proved conclusively that the ones caught in the U.S. had emigrated from Brazil or were using the same toothpaste. 

“Based on the composition of their breath, chisel-like incisor teeth and the tattoos of Carmen Miranda on their hips, we determined they were Brazilian,” said Voigt.  “When you find the same basic makeup in wild vampires like this, you know you’re onto some serious shit.”

Thirteen wild vampire bats and undead humans were trapped at The Metropolitan Opera  House in New York City using a devise containing bottles of pig blood and an advertisement for the Wall Street Journal.  Reportedly several escaped by explaining that they were double-parked and needed to move their cars.

In an unusual twist, Voigt’s work, published online in the Journal of Comparative Physiology B, shows the chemical makeup of the vampire breath and matches it with that of media magnate Rupert Murdoch.  Murdoch recently acquired Dow Jones, the parent company of the Wall Street Journal.  There is still some debate as to whether Murdoch was among those who were caught but escaped.

Murdoch denies any connection.  “Let me alone you wackos,” he said recently.  “I’m not freaking undead.” 

Some scholars are struggling to believe that environmentalists could be protecting both Brazilian rainforest vampires and Rupert Murdoch.  Still the growing number of vampires and the destruction of the rain forest is a concern.

“I’m worried about the loss of the rain forest and the vampire-like tendencies of all kinds of people,” said Michael Jackson, pop signer and alleged regular guy.  “Especially those who don’t like young boys.  All of this makes me feel so very very pale.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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NFL’s Vick into Dogs, Gambling and Prison

Nickname was Ookie now it’s Twisted Puppy

Inebriated Press
August 21, 2007

Michael Vick, known for quarterbacking the Atlanta Falcons of the National Football League (NFL) is now known for quarterbacking an illegal dog fighting and gambling operation called Bad Newz Kennels.  Yesterday a grand jury heard testimony from co-defendants stating that Vick financed the operation and helped kill dogs that didn’t fight well by hanging and drowning them.  CNN says a plea deal could land him in prison between 18 and 36 months but his lawyers are shooting for something less than one year.  Vick says that if his idol Mike Tyson — a professional boxer imprisoned for rape — can do the time, he sure can.  He’s planning to keep the kennel but will rename it to avoid the bad publicity.  Rumors are that it will be called the “Cutie-Pie Happy-Time Kennel and Dog Kill”.

“I like puppies,” said Vick wearing a Dalmatian skin coat reminiscent of Cruella DeVille’s.  “I like’em no matter what anyone testifies that I did or may have done.  Who doesn’t like the cunning little creatures with their sharp pointy teeth and ability to rip and tear flesh?”

The NFL will likely suspend Vick indefinitely and it’s possible that Vick’s career in dog fighting is over.  The Falcons’ owner, Artie Blank who used to roll Vick around the football field in a wheelchair when Vick’s leg was injured or he felt sleepy, said that he’d been betrayed.  Blank’s eyes were red and swollen at the media conference.  Blank said that Vick swore to him he had never seen a dog or dog fight and had once heard of Cathy Lee Gifford but didn’t know her.  Blank seemed disoriented and kept muttering “dumb bastard” under his breath.  It was uncertain whether he was referring to Vick or himself.

But not everyone sees a downside.  Joey Harrington the hapless quarterback of the Detroit Lions a few years ago and who also pit stopped briefly with the Miami Dolphins before being tossed aside, is now the starting quarterback for Atlanta.  “It feels good,” said Harrington.  “I hadn’t planned to turn Vick in but when it looked like my career was over I needed to do something.  Besides I kept losing money at all of Vick’s dog fights and I needed a break.  So I rolled him.  So what.  He knew what he was doing.  I don’t wear lucky number 13 for nothing.”

Cruella DeVille says she doesn’t know what all the fuss is about.  The Disney character and PETA supporter said that she likes Vick and has always had a “soft spot” for Mike Tyson.  “They’re such perky animals,” said Deville chewing the side of her face.  “If a guy doesn’t foam at the mouth once in while they’re just not right.”

Vick says he’ll be fine in prison.  “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” he said.

Too bad Vick’s dogs weren’t strong enough to suit him.

In other news, cats are upbeat and Underdog may kick Vick’s ass before he can get safely behind bars.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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