NFL’s Vick into Dogs, Gambling and Prison

Nickname was Ookie now it’s Twisted Puppy

Inebriated Press
August 21, 2007

Michael Vick, known for quarterbacking the Atlanta Falcons of the National Football League (NFL) is now known for quarterbacking an illegal dog fighting and gambling operation called Bad Newz Kennels.  Yesterday a grand jury heard testimony from co-defendants stating that Vick financed the operation and helped kill dogs that didn’t fight well by hanging and drowning them.  CNN says a plea deal could land him in prison between 18 and 36 months but his lawyers are shooting for something less than one year.  Vick says that if his idol Mike Tyson — a professional boxer imprisoned for rape — can do the time, he sure can.  He’s planning to keep the kennel but will rename it to avoid the bad publicity.  Rumors are that it will be called the “Cutie-Pie Happy-Time Kennel and Dog Kill”.

“I like puppies,” said Vick wearing a Dalmatian skin coat reminiscent of Cruella DeVille’s.  “I like’em no matter what anyone testifies that I did or may have done.  Who doesn’t like the cunning little creatures with their sharp pointy teeth and ability to rip and tear flesh?”

The NFL will likely suspend Vick indefinitely and it’s possible that Vick’s career in dog fighting is over.  The Falcons’ owner, Artie Blank who used to roll Vick around the football field in a wheelchair when Vick’s leg was injured or he felt sleepy, said that he’d been betrayed.  Blank’s eyes were red and swollen at the media conference.  Blank said that Vick swore to him he had never seen a dog or dog fight and had once heard of Cathy Lee Gifford but didn’t know her.  Blank seemed disoriented and kept muttering “dumb bastard” under his breath.  It was uncertain whether he was referring to Vick or himself.

But not everyone sees a downside.  Joey Harrington the hapless quarterback of the Detroit Lions a few years ago and who also pit stopped briefly with the Miami Dolphins before being tossed aside, is now the starting quarterback for Atlanta.  “It feels good,” said Harrington.  “I hadn’t planned to turn Vick in but when it looked like my career was over I needed to do something.  Besides I kept losing money at all of Vick’s dog fights and I needed a break.  So I rolled him.  So what.  He knew what he was doing.  I don’t wear lucky number 13 for nothing.”

Cruella DeVille says she doesn’t know what all the fuss is about.  The Disney character and PETA supporter said that she likes Vick and has always had a “soft spot” for Mike Tyson.  “They’re such perky animals,” said Deville chewing the side of her face.  “If a guy doesn’t foam at the mouth once in while they’re just not right.”

Vick says he’ll be fine in prison.  “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” he said.

Too bad Vick’s dogs weren’t strong enough to suit him.

In other news, cats are upbeat and Underdog may kick Vick’s ass before he can get safely behind bars.

© 2007

Comments Off on NFL’s Vick into Dogs, Gambling and Prison

Filed under Humor, IP News

Comments are closed.