Vampire Numbers Surge as Rain Forest Cleared

Battle between living and undead ramps

Inebriated Press
August 21, 2007

A new study confirms that the number of vampires in the world is growing and thriving due to destruction of the South American rainforest and growth in the world’s human population.  Ever since the days of Count Dracula, scientists and vampire hunters have viewed Romania as having the largest vampire population; little did they know that an enormous colony was hiding in the Brazilian rainforest and that environmentalists are in league with them.

“I’ve been telling you that environmentalists are an emanation of the undead,” said Rush Limbaugh, conservative radio talk show host and leader of most right-wing plots currently staged in the United States.  “They’ve been supporting programs and policies that suck the life blood out of America and now it’s shown that they’ve been supporting the vampires that suck the actual hemoglobin out of the citizens in this country.”

Not everyone sees it the way Limbaugh does.  “He’s nuts and so are his ilk,” said Howard Stern, radio shock-jock and left-wing sexual-rights fanatic.  “Vampires are fun and I love’em.  Especially the ones with really big hooters.”

Christian Voigt and his colleagues at the Leibiwitz Institute for Zoo and Vampire Research in Berlin reported in the recent study that vampires trapped by researchers in the U.S. and Brazil had matching isotopes in exhaled carbon dioxide.  This proved conclusively that the ones caught in the U.S. had emigrated from Brazil or were using the same toothpaste. 

“Based on the composition of their breath, chisel-like incisor teeth and the tattoos of Carmen Miranda on their hips, we determined they were Brazilian,” said Voigt.  “When you find the same basic makeup in wild vampires like this, you know you’re onto some serious shit.”

Thirteen wild vampire bats and undead humans were trapped at The Metropolitan Opera  House in New York City using a devise containing bottles of pig blood and an advertisement for the Wall Street Journal.  Reportedly several escaped by explaining that they were double-parked and needed to move their cars.

In an unusual twist, Voigt’s work, published online in the Journal of Comparative Physiology B, shows the chemical makeup of the vampire breath and matches it with that of media magnate Rupert Murdoch.  Murdoch recently acquired Dow Jones, the parent company of the Wall Street Journal.  There is still some debate as to whether Murdoch was among those who were caught but escaped.

Murdoch denies any connection.  “Let me alone you wackos,” he said recently.  “I’m not freaking undead.” 

Some scholars are struggling to believe that environmentalists could be protecting both Brazilian rainforest vampires and Rupert Murdoch.  Still the growing number of vampires and the destruction of the rain forest is a concern.

“I’m worried about the loss of the rain forest and the vampire-like tendencies of all kinds of people,” said Michael Jackson, pop signer and alleged regular guy.  “Especially those who don’t like young boys.  All of this makes me feel so very very pale.”

© 2007

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