Daily Archives: August 22, 2007

Use of Pain Medication in U.S. Doubles

Citizens deal with the government by upping drug use

Inebriated Press
August 22, 2007

Retail sales of five leading painkillers doubled over the last eight years, reflecting a surge in use by American’s who find the U.S. government a big pain in the ass.  Oxycodone use jumped nearly six-fold between 1997 and 2005. The drug gained notoriety as “hillbilly heroin,” often bought and sold illegally in Appalachia.  Use spiked after Nancy Pelosi assumed the role of U.S. Speaker of the House and General Mills started adding high amounts of the drug to its breakfast cereal Total.

“Pain medication is an important part of the healing process,” said Doctor O.I. Hurt popping a Demerol and washing it down with some Jack Daniels.  “People can’t heal if they have chronic pain so it’s only natural that more Americans will use painkillers when Congress is in session.”  He paused and then added, “I think these things are better with a sweet merlot.”

Not everyone is as comfortable as Dr. Hurt when eyeing current drug use trends.  “I‘m concerned that the pendulum toward aggressive drug therapy has swung too far,” said Lucy Goosye Doctor of Clinical Psychology and Theatre Critic at UCLA.  “I just finished watching the movie Wild Hogs and I can tell you that this country is way over medicated.  Old has-been actors don’t behave that way unless they’re on some serious junk.  We can’t keep this up or it won’t be just the White House that can’t think straight.”

The U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) says that part of the reason for higher levels of painkiller use is the aging U.S. population.  As age increases, so does the need for pain medications. In 2000, there were 35 million people older than 65. By 2020, the Census Bureau estimates the number of elderly in the U.S. will reach 54 million.  But they agree that age isn’t the only factor.

Representative Pelosi said that under her leadership the U.S. would take “a new direction” and it appears that it has.  A major shift began under Pelosi’s direction in her home State of California and it’s now sweeping the country.  Americans are switching from organic alfalfa sprouts to “medicinal marijuana” in droves.  Wild Oats Market reports that organic veggie sales have slipped but inquiries for “good weed” have surged.  Smoki Fugotum, manager of Wild Oats Market in central Los Angeles, says that sales of specially processed dried and rolled “products” have been brisk.  “I can’t say what our top seller is or I’ll be arrested,” Fugotum said.  “But you can infer from my winking and nodding that we’re not talking brussel sprouts here.”

George W. Bush is an aging boomer himself and says that despite keeping his body in shape and trying to ignore unpleasant things even he has moments of discomfort with Congress.  “Sometimes after a day talking with Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid I have the urge to puke and then start drinking heavily again,” said Bush, current U.S President and recovering alcoholic.  “But I know it’s not the thing to do and Laura would kick my ass if she found out.  So I just pop whatever I find in the bathroom cabinet and most of the time I feel better.  As near as I can remember.”

In other news, CNN confirmed it has a White House memo stating that Karl Rove’s resignation came about because Laura Bush called him “Squiggy”.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Virus Linked to Obesity Epidemic

Burger and fries a carrier?

Inebriated Press
August 22, 2007

U.S. Scientists reporting to the 234th American Chemical Society convention said that common viral infections are responsible for the obesity epidemic sweeping through the United States and other countries.  Ronald McDonald said “see I told you it wasn’t us”.  The Burger King mascot said nothing but his smile remained firm.  Only Farris Paraffin, author of the books Potbelly Syndrome and Drunk in Peru said it wasn’t that simple.

“We can’t blame our problems with obesity, Iraq and dog fighting in the NFL all on a virus,” said Paraffin wrapping a few random issues into the mix.  “Personal responsibility still has some bearing.”

Not according to the study produced by Louisiana State University (LSU).  The laboratory study led by LSU’s Magna Carta Paprika showed that human adenovirus-36 (Ad-36), an agent that has long been recognized as a cause of respiratory and eye infections in humans, can turn adult stem cells into fat cells.

“We ran secret tests on Amish farmers captured by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife service and found that those who had been exposed to the virus had a 79% increase in body fat even when not eating smuggled McDonald’s cheeseburgers and fries,” said Paprika.  “For decades the Fish & Wildlife people have been tagging and monitoring the migratory patterns of the Amish as well as measuring and weighing them.  This has been very helpful in our study.  It’s a virus all right.”

Recently the Fish & Wildlife Service has come under fire from Pennsylvania Amish who accuse them of being space aliens from Area 51.  Fish & Wildlife officials deny the charge and this new LSU study will likely support the continued experimentation by the Service on the Amish.

“A discovery of this magnitude doesn’t just happen by accident,” said Fish & Wildlife Service Director Dale Hall.  “It takes work, planning and oftentimes, rectal probes.”

An early epidemiologic study led by Niki Goodbar, Ph.D. Pennington Biomedical Research Center at LSU linked a virus to human obesity for the first time, showing that Ad-36 is more commonly present in obese people than in lean individuals, 30 percent versus 11 percent.  When studied in the proximity to burgers and fries the virus multiplied in lean people.  “Despite the clear viral issue we think that grease-burgers can still have an impact,” said Goodbar.  “But if we can develop a vaccine we may still help the obese to become scrawny.  And based on our study, we can do a lot to help the obese Amish farmer.”

Plans are underway now to develop and test new anti-obesity vaccines on Amish farmers caught and weighed annually by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service.  “The Amish are a genetically homogenous population that doesn’t drive cars and speed away so that makes them ideal for this study,” said Wolf Scully, director of Fish & Wildlife’s secret Z-Files division.  “We may have to analyze them at our research facility in Nevada where we have the proper equipment.  The potential to slim down Americans is worth the effort and the risk to the wild Amish population.”

Farris Paraffin, author of the Potbelly Syndrome says that obesity is contagious just like catching a cold.  “It’s contagious, but you don’t catch it by watching your friends eat too much. You catch it the same way you catch the common cold – by inhaling or ingesting certain germs; but in obesities case also by inhaling a bunch of Big Mac’s.  If it were viral alone we could infect the starving in Africa and they’d all be fat as pigs.  Now that I think of it; maybe that’s worth a try.”

In other news, Rosie O’Donnell is fat and pissed off but says it’s not a virus; it’s a lifestyle choice.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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