Use of Pain Medication in U.S. Doubles

Citizens deal with the government by upping drug use

Inebriated Press
August 22, 2007

Retail sales of five leading painkillers doubled over the last eight years, reflecting a surge in use by American’s who find the U.S. government a big pain in the ass.  Oxycodone use jumped nearly six-fold between 1997 and 2005. The drug gained notoriety as “hillbilly heroin,” often bought and sold illegally in Appalachia.  Use spiked after Nancy Pelosi assumed the role of U.S. Speaker of the House and General Mills started adding high amounts of the drug to its breakfast cereal Total.

“Pain medication is an important part of the healing process,” said Doctor O.I. Hurt popping a Demerol and washing it down with some Jack Daniels.  “People can’t heal if they have chronic pain so it’s only natural that more Americans will use painkillers when Congress is in session.”  He paused and then added, “I think these things are better with a sweet merlot.”

Not everyone is as comfortable as Dr. Hurt when eyeing current drug use trends.  “I‘m concerned that the pendulum toward aggressive drug therapy has swung too far,” said Lucy Goosye Doctor of Clinical Psychology and Theatre Critic at UCLA.  “I just finished watching the movie Wild Hogs and I can tell you that this country is way over medicated.  Old has-been actors don’t behave that way unless they’re on some serious junk.  We can’t keep this up or it won’t be just the White House that can’t think straight.”

The U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) says that part of the reason for higher levels of painkiller use is the aging U.S. population.  As age increases, so does the need for pain medications. In 2000, there were 35 million people older than 65. By 2020, the Census Bureau estimates the number of elderly in the U.S. will reach 54 million.  But they agree that age isn’t the only factor.

Representative Pelosi said that under her leadership the U.S. would take “a new direction” and it appears that it has.  A major shift began under Pelosi’s direction in her home State of California and it’s now sweeping the country.  Americans are switching from organic alfalfa sprouts to “medicinal marijuana” in droves.  Wild Oats Market reports that organic veggie sales have slipped but inquiries for “good weed” have surged.  Smoki Fugotum, manager of Wild Oats Market in central Los Angeles, says that sales of specially processed dried and rolled “products” have been brisk.  “I can’t say what our top seller is or I’ll be arrested,” Fugotum said.  “But you can infer from my winking and nodding that we’re not talking brussel sprouts here.”

George W. Bush is an aging boomer himself and says that despite keeping his body in shape and trying to ignore unpleasant things even he has moments of discomfort with Congress.  “Sometimes after a day talking with Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid I have the urge to puke and then start drinking heavily again,” said Bush, current U.S President and recovering alcoholic.  “But I know it’s not the thing to do and Laura would kick my ass if she found out.  So I just pop whatever I find in the bathroom cabinet and most of the time I feel better.  As near as I can remember.”

In other news, CNN confirmed it has a White House memo stating that Karl Rove’s resignation came about because Laura Bush called him “Squiggy”.

© 2007

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