CIA Report Depicts Pre 9-11 Errors

Agency lacked gum balls to do job adequately

Inebriated Press
August 23, 2007

A report released Tuesday by the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) includes new details of the agency’s missteps before the Sept. 11 attacks.  The Report outlined how agents watched for Arab terrorists in World Wrestling Federation (WWF) matches, looked for gum balls and ate nuts while Bin Laden stockpiled weapons and trained hijackers.  The Inspector General recommended that several top officials including former Director George J. Tenet, be held accountable.  It said that CIA officials failed to put in place an anti-terror strategy and instead spent time designing a plan to keep nut and gum ball machines at CIA Headquarters stocked.

Mr. Tenet called the report’s conclusions “flat wrong” and said that only the gum ball machines took additional focus but it didn’t distract them from spying on Al Qaeda or from realizing that Al Qaeda had a stockpile of nuts of their own.  “This report is an example of hearsay and acid flashbacks from the sixties,” said Tenet sipping a quadruple-shot Starbucks espresso and following it with a Vodka chaser.  “I’ve read bad intel before and this is some right here.  And I know bad intel, believe me I’ve seen a lot of it.”

The report says CIA failed to grasp the role being played by the terror mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and ignored a 50 page memo he mailed to agents explaining his plan to destroy the World Trade Center and outlining ideas Al Qaeda had about hijacking airplanes to do it.  Reportedly CIA dismissed the documentation thinking it had been sent to them by mistake so they returned it “postage due”.  When Mohammed lacked correct change and refused delivery CIA took it to Harper and Row Publishing House figuring they would recycle it or convert it into a novel.

Tenet dismissed accusations that CIA screw-up’s were an intelligence failure.  “This has nothing to do with intelligence.  We knew what was going on and simply ignored it,” said Tenet vibrating across the room.  “We got the gum ball supply thing solved so you know we were paying attention to details.  I’m shocked that anyone would suggest we lacked good intel.  We had lots of intel.  There was literally a pile of it under my desk and in the closet.”

An executive from Gum Ball Supply said that initially CIA tried to blame them for the intelligence breakdown.  “They said they were lacking gum balls and that it distracted them from spying on Al Qaeda,” said Bud “Baby” Ruth, Gum Ball executive.  “Now they say lack of balls wasn’t a problem and that they solved the gum thing themselves.  The fact is we diagnosed the problem by recommending more machines with bigger balls.  Gum Ball Supply has always had big balls.  During the install we shot a couple of terrorists trying to slip into the CIA building but we didn’t want to brag so we kept quiet.  This public relations spin ticks us Gum people off no end.”

Tenet was CIA Director under President William J. Clinton and George W. Bush so politicians are uncertain how to blame the other Party but they’re working on it.  “He was okay up until the Bush administration,” said Speaker of the House and Democrat Nancy Pelosi.  “It was the Republican administration that caused CIA to lack balls and end up with only nuts.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner a Republican from Ohio said Tenet seemed rational going in, but was apparently faking it like much of the Democrat administration prior to Bush.  “He seemed like a regular intel guy, always looking over his shoulder and sitting away from windows in meetings, so we Republicans figured he was okay.  I guess this ball and nut business was weighing on him more than we figured.  It was a carryover thing from the Clinton administration.  I thought he was just joking when he said he was thinking a lot about his lack of balls.”

Philip D. Zelikow, the Executive Director of the Sept. 11 Commission, praised the report saying it finally hints at the real problem in CIA.  “It’s all about the nuts and lack of balls,” said Zelikow.  “CIA’s balls, Al Qaeda’s nuts, who had balls enough and nuts available, plus the willingness to get on with business.  No matter how you cut it CIA should have balls enough and be eating Al Qaeda nuts for dinner every day now.”

Current CIA Director General Michael Hayden said that the report plowed old ground and it was time to move on.  “Its old news,” said Hayden popping an Atomic Fireball into his mouth.  “Damn I like these things.  I’d spread them all over the Middle East if it was just up to me.”

In other news, Democrat presidential candidates are split on whether to support more nuts or less.  Republican candidates are unconcerned about nuts as long as someone has balls enough to track down and kill terrorists.

© 2007

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