Fear of Canadian Socks Drives U.S. Plan

Foot fetish generates sock safeguard

Inebriated Press
August 23, 2007

Stung by criticism that the U.S. is playing fast and loose with food safety by only inspecting one percent of all the food it imports, the federal government has unveiled a sock safeguard plan to block Canadian socks by placing high tariffs on them.  Lloyd Wood an executive with the American Sock Action Coalition said this is good news especially for small children who chew socks and risk illness from gnawing on foreign ones not inspected for consumption.  Canadian sock manufacturer Gildan Activewear CFO Larry Sellyn said the U.S. has totally lost its mind.

“Our socks are fine and its Asian socks made with inexpensive asbestos and lead coloring that we’re competing with,” said Sellyn.  “It’s not some super healthy edible domestic U.S. sock. U.S. sock production is no longer economically viable.  If the U.S. won’t buy Canadian socks I suppose they’ll get them from the Chinese.  The rumor is they have some kind of deal in the works that’ll help the Chinese convert lead based toys into socks for export.  The U.S. has become one of the top importers of Chinese lead based products.  This could be driving part of the issue.  That and the Americans are ouchy with us for claiming the Arctic as our territory when they say it’s theirs.  Everyone knows it belongs to Canada.  I mean for crying out loud, just look at the map.”

Imports from China and Pakistan accounted for more than 40 per cent of the 241 million dozen pairs of sock imports as of the end of June.  Sellyn said Gildan made a strategic decision to build its capacity in Central America and the Caribbean basin as a low-cost supply chain to compete with Asian imports.

Sock activist Lloyd Wood said he doesn’t care what the Canadian’s are saying.  “We can’t trust them,” said Wood.  “They keep the original Stanley Cup in a bank vault in Ontario and the Anaheim Ducks only have a tinfoil replica.  The Canadian’s claim the Arctic is their’s and totally ignore the fact that the U.S. has Alaska up there and we bought Alaska and the Artic from the Russians with George Washington Carvers Louisiana purchase.  Frankly their socks make me darn uncomfortable.”

The tariffs are expected to range between 11.3 per cent and 18.8 per cent depending on the type of sock and will be imposed on owners annually for a three year period.  American buyers of Canadian socks will have to make payments to the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) quarterly over the three year period based on the initial value of the socks factored against a five year depreciation schedule.  Some economists argue that a three year fee schedule on a five year depreciation plan is unreasonable but the IRS says that unreasonable taxation is not only possible U.S. lawmakers find it highly desirable.

In other news, Mr. Ed the Talking Horse has now tied Elvis as the celebrity most desired to be stranded with on a desert island.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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