Daily Archives: August 24, 2007

MAC Cosmetics Sued by Feds Over Lip Gloss

Light from treated lips incapacitate Flight 323 to Chicago

Inebriated Press
August 24, 2007

An American Airlines 747 flying from New York City to Chicago narrowly avoided crashing when stricken by light slicing into the cockpit off of the lips of a woman walking outside a mall in Peoria, Illinois.  The unnamed woman wearing MAC Cosmetics Hunter Blaze Orange (HBO) Lipglass blinded one pilot and caused the other to pass out.  Quick-thinking flight attendant Mabel “Crusty” Glonk was immune to the Lipglass affects due to years of chemical exposure, and landed the plane safely with the assistance of Airline officials on the ground.

“I’ve waited a long time to bring one of these heavy’s down after some flyboy macho pilot keeled over,” said Glonk pulling a nose hair from her left nostril and then spitting across the room.  “Didn’t figure it’d be over Peoria.”

Officials at the FAA said they’ve initiated legal proceedings against MAC Cosmetics because when their HBO Lipglass comes in contact with the air of a shopping mall it bursts reflected light in nineteen spectrums and can penetrate five miles into the atmosphere.  Eighteen of the light waves are invisible to the human eye but several are known to cause temporary blindness, affect consciousness and negatively impact the All Seeing Eye of the human soul.  FAA says this is dangerous and with the near disaster believes that MAC owes American Airlines and the federal government millions.

“Our flight crews are prepared for a lot but none carry welding helmets to ward off dangerous light spectrums,” said Ziggy Fulcrum, spokesperson for American.  “Lucky for us we transferred Glonk to flight attendant from mechanical after 9-11.”

When the FBI learned of the event they initiated an investigation of their own.  Agents wishing to remain anonymous because they think its cool said that they believe MAC has been infiltrated by Al Qaeda.  They think that HBO Lipglass is “spiked” with a chemical that results in light that blinds eyes and destroys souls.  “I don’t want to sound paranoid,” said a source who requested we call him Thor God of Thunder.  “But I’ve known guys who broke up with chicks that wore MAC stuff.  Those guys sat around like soulless morons for weeks afterward.  Some of them forgot their own names.  It’s got to be some dangerous shit.”

The stricken pilots are undergoing treatment at The University of Chicago Center for Psychiatric Rehabilitation.  Doctors say one of them thinks he’s former Chicago Bull basketball player Dennis Rodman and said he wants to color his body in order to try and get his soul back.  There may be something to this claim because rumors that Rodman is missing his soul have been rampant ever since he divorced Carmen Electra.

MAC Cosmetic official Valerie Valerah said the FAA was making a mistake suing the company and that the FBI investigation will ultimately clear them.  “They’re behaving like drunken hoot owls,” said Valerah, an expert in cosmetics and hoot owls.  “The idea that an Al Qaeda operative could blend into our workforce and perpetuate this kind of thing is outrageous.  Al Qaeda members don’t even wear makeup.  If I weren’t busy juggling relationships with five guys right now I’d take the time to get seriously upset.  As it is I’ll let the FBI sort it out.”

In other news, the FBI Agent known as Thor God of Thunder plans an extensive investigation to determine whether Carmen Electra is as hot as he thinks she is.  And Home Box Office (HBO) hopes to find some way to cash in on a MAC HBO deal involving lip gloss, Carmen Electra and airplanes.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Kellogg’s Defends Superhero Supersugar Cereal

Says Froot Loop Parrot saves lives

Inebriated Press
August 24, 2007

Cereal giant Kellogg’s has mounted a defense in response to attacks by UK consumer watchdog “Witch Hunt After Cereal Hero’s Organization” (WHACHO). The WHACHO campaign claims that Kellogg’s superheroes are encouraging kids to demand foods that are high in fat, sugar and salt.  Kellogg’s says its cereal superheroes are saving lives by slipping in bits of nutrition when kids least expect it.

“How many kids do you know whine to their parents about wanting to eat brussel sprouts and lean fish for breakfast?” asked Kellogg V.P. Heidi Vitalus.  “They’ll whine about wanting to scarf down Froot Loops though and that’s were we sneak in some nutrients that they aren’t expecting.  I’m telling you without Spiderman, the Parrot, or Shrek these kids would all have scurvy.”

But WHACHO says that kids are becoming obese and without a change they’ll have high blood pressure, diabetes and heart attacks beginning at around age nine.  “Kellogg’s and other companies know that their products contain more bad stuff than good stuff,” said Felix Unger WHACHO staffer and a divorced, middle-aged man who shares an apartment with Oscar Madison.  “We can’t over estimate the harm the bad stuff is doing despite the little good that kids might get from the small amount of nutrients available in the sugary cereal.  Coco the Monkey should be ashamed to promote this stuff.”

Parents, guardians and current residents aren’t sure what to do. A new survey recently published in the U.S. says that despite parents pressuring for more nutritional snacks, 70 per cent of children throw them away.  As the trend for healthier and more nutritious foods increases in the wake of obesity concerns, this survey suggests sweet snacks are still in demand by the children.
 
“I really don’t care about monkeys, parrots or Shrek,” said four-year-old Smith Barney, child prodigy and investment broker.  “I like the rush I get from the sugar.  Plain and simple.  My folks won’t let me drink the espresso they use to get wired up in the morning so I turn to the next best thing to get me going.  Sure I eat too much and get so hopped up that my mom has me on Ritalin.  There are trade offs to everything.”

Tony the Tiger, media magnate and Kellogg’s spokescreature says that both parties are over-hyping the situation.  “The WHACHO’s are legitimately concerned about the welfare of their organization and I respect that,” said Tony recently while attending a gala at the Cannes Film Festival.  “And Kellogg’s is honestly trying to sell cereal.  I think that if both organizations can agree on a spokescreature that they can support, we could produce a product that provides food for kids and good profits for both Kellogg’s and WHACHO’s.  No question in my mind that would be GGRRRREAT!”

Consumer advocate, past presidential candidate and whiny old guy Ralph Nader said that Kellogg’s is intentionally trying to destroy the health of children and has been secretly investing heavily in pharmaceutical companies.  “I woke up this morning with the knowledge that Kellogg’s is out to get us and our kids,” said Nader.  “That kind of information alone should be enough to get most Americans eating sawdust and water for every meal.”

In other news Vladimir Putin continues to insist that the Arctic is his and says the Honey Smacks frog is backing him up.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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