Kellogg’s Defends Superhero Supersugar Cereal

Says Froot Loop Parrot saves lives

Inebriated Press
August 24, 2007

Cereal giant Kellogg’s has mounted a defense in response to attacks by UK consumer watchdog “Witch Hunt After Cereal Hero’s Organization” (WHACHO). The WHACHO campaign claims that Kellogg’s superheroes are encouraging kids to demand foods that are high in fat, sugar and salt.  Kellogg’s says its cereal superheroes are saving lives by slipping in bits of nutrition when kids least expect it.

“How many kids do you know whine to their parents about wanting to eat brussel sprouts and lean fish for breakfast?” asked Kellogg V.P. Heidi Vitalus.  “They’ll whine about wanting to scarf down Froot Loops though and that’s were we sneak in some nutrients that they aren’t expecting.  I’m telling you without Spiderman, the Parrot, or Shrek these kids would all have scurvy.”

But WHACHO says that kids are becoming obese and without a change they’ll have high blood pressure, diabetes and heart attacks beginning at around age nine.  “Kellogg’s and other companies know that their products contain more bad stuff than good stuff,” said Felix Unger WHACHO staffer and a divorced, middle-aged man who shares an apartment with Oscar Madison.  “We can’t over estimate the harm the bad stuff is doing despite the little good that kids might get from the small amount of nutrients available in the sugary cereal.  Coco the Monkey should be ashamed to promote this stuff.”

Parents, guardians and current residents aren’t sure what to do. A new survey recently published in the U.S. says that despite parents pressuring for more nutritional snacks, 70 per cent of children throw them away.  As the trend for healthier and more nutritious foods increases in the wake of obesity concerns, this survey suggests sweet snacks are still in demand by the children.
“I really don’t care about monkeys, parrots or Shrek,” said four-year-old Smith Barney, child prodigy and investment broker.  “I like the rush I get from the sugar.  Plain and simple.  My folks won’t let me drink the espresso they use to get wired up in the morning so I turn to the next best thing to get me going.  Sure I eat too much and get so hopped up that my mom has me on Ritalin.  There are trade offs to everything.”

Tony the Tiger, media magnate and Kellogg’s spokescreature says that both parties are over-hyping the situation.  “The WHACHO’s are legitimately concerned about the welfare of their organization and I respect that,” said Tony recently while attending a gala at the Cannes Film Festival.  “And Kellogg’s is honestly trying to sell cereal.  I think that if both organizations can agree on a spokescreature that they can support, we could produce a product that provides food for kids and good profits for both Kellogg’s and WHACHO’s.  No question in my mind that would be GGRRRREAT!”

Consumer advocate, past presidential candidate and whiny old guy Ralph Nader said that Kellogg’s is intentionally trying to destroy the health of children and has been secretly investing heavily in pharmaceutical companies.  “I woke up this morning with the knowledge that Kellogg’s is out to get us and our kids,” said Nader.  “That kind of information alone should be enough to get most Americans eating sawdust and water for every meal.”

In other news Vladimir Putin continues to insist that the Arctic is his and says the Honey Smacks frog is backing him up.

© 2007

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