Daily Archives: August 27, 2007

Satellite Plan Draws Angry Democrat Reaction

Dem’s worry about cellulite and Republican spying

Inebriated Press
August 27, 2007

Democrats reacted strongly to a controversial Homeland Security Department satellite-surveillance plan by warning the Department Secretary to keep his eye-in-the-sky turned away from Edward Kennedy’s compound in Massechuetsetts and Nancy Pelosi’s place in California.  Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said he was only trying to spot terrorists and women under 30.  Kennedy requested a live feed piped to his Washington office, his home and limousine so he could keep tabs on Department activities and make sure that the women really were under 30.   House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said they’d better keep the camera off of her pool.  Aides say Pelosi still looks great in a swimsuit but has become increasingly sensitive to a “cellulite issue”.

“Ever since the scandalous reporting about a minor situation I had in Chappaquiddick, I’ve needed to monitor media feeds of all kinds,” said Kennedy sipping a gin and tonic and flipping between the Spice and Playboy TV channels.  “Research has always been my passion and I don’t want anyone getting a jump on spin management without me having an early shot at stereotype generation and character assassination.  It’s important that I keep my hands on things for the good of the U.S. government and me in particular.”

Spy satellites have been used for decades for civilian purposes, including mapmaking and environmental studies. Three months ago, the Bush administration decided to expand their use for homeland security and law enforcement, including border protection.

The Homeland Security Secretary says he’s fully aware of concern about spy satellites and assured Democrats and the public that there is nothing to be worried about.  “There’s nothing to fear, I can assure you,” said Chertoff spinning his head around and looking over both of his shoulders at the same time.  “I intend to personally monitor the sky spying and will only share the most provocative pictures with members of my staff and the Bush administration.  If I spot any terrorists up to no good, I’ll probably share them with some people too.”

None of this sits well with House Speaker Pelosi.  “This doesn’t sit well with me,” she said squirming in her chair.  “I’m extremely uncomfortable and it’s more than this damn hose riding up.  These Republicans are staring into places that they’ve got no right looking and I’m starting to wonder where else they’ve got cameras stashed.  I wonder if I’m getting a rash or what?”

The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) is so concerned that they have started dropping their tendency for understatement and have become increasingly blunt. 

Andrew Schneider, executive director of ACLU operations in West Virginia said that he’s livid with anger and rage at the very notion of the sky spying.  “I’m livid with anger and rage,” said Schneider.  “Spy satellites can sense electromagnetic activity, radioactivity and chemical traces, as well as wavelengths of light. That allows them to see through cloud cover, concrete and most women’s blouses. Given the novelty of the program, there is effectively no legal framework governing their domestic use.  This means Americans could be subject to warrantless surveillance from space.  It’s just plain wrong.  Did I tell you that I’m livid with anger and rage?”

Vice President Dick “Buddy Blaster” Cheney convinced reporters that there is nothing to be concerned about.  “Everything is just fine and there’s nothing to worry about or be afraid of,” said Cheney swinging a small pocket watch in front of reporters.  “You’re getting very sleepy.  You are confident that the spy satellite program is a good one.  You will write nice things about the plan.  When you awake you will be refreshed, relaxed, and listen to show tunes and buy shares of Halliburton stock.”

In other news, Lesley Neilson has signed on to play George W. Bush in the lead role of the new movie “While I Was Sleeping”.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Nicole Richie to Detail Prison Ordeal in New Book

82 harrowing minutes behind bars alters time and space

Inebriated Press
August 27, 2007

Nicole Richie fulfilled her sentence to do hard time by enduring an entire 82 minute period of imprisonment in the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood on Friday.  Sentenced to jail for driving the wrong way on a street while spaced out on drugs, she faced the heavy penalty with a characteristic “stiff upper lip”.  “I knew hard time would be hard,” said Richie.  “But I did the crime, so I had to do the time.  It was rugged for me and I had to deal with a lot of prison violence, avoid chicks with shiv’s and wear rough clothing.  It’s changed my life and I think it’s altered the universe we live in.  I’m going to detail it all in my new book, ‘Hard Time Nicole: My Life with Shiv-Packing Chicks, Canvass Lingerie and the Space Time Continuum’.”

The trouble for Nicole Richie started in December when she was arrested for driving the wrong way on an LA freeway.  Richie failed the field sobriety test and told police that she had smoked marijuana and taken some Vicodin before getting behind the wheel.  In July, she decided it might be best to plead guilty instead of risking a year in jail, especially since she was pregnant.  After a rough trial punctuated by a broken nail and a snagged taffeta blouse, she was dealt four days of hard time behind bars.  It was later reduced to 82 minutes for lude behavior in the privacy of the Judges chambers. 

Speaking on Larry King Live, Richie said that Science Publisher Inc. approached her with the book deal knowing that it would probably take her longer to write than her jail term lasted.  “It’s not the time so much as the timeless psychological impact on my psyche,” said Richie making up stuff as she went and occasionally reading passages directly from Psychology Today magazine.  “I’m still reeling beneath the impact of post jail mental anxiety and fear of chiggers and shiv’s.  It’s a psycho-time-space thing and my book will detail all of this and you can advance order it for only $24.95 on Amazon.com.”

Richie is expected to join Joel Madden and Good Charlotte on the road again and plans to wed the father of her unborn child. A source tells E!, “She wants to do it on her own schedule. And it will be done because they are in love, not because they are up against some deadline.  Since they aren’t actually in love at this time they’re going to wait and do it when they are.  They’re thinking it may take longer than 82 minutes to figure this all out but believe it’s important to give their relationship the time it needs.”

Stephen Hawking, physicist and author of the book A Brief History of Time said that time is relative and that Richie’s speed and energy alter the impact of her prison term and also impacts the time she spends in relationships and driving the wrong way down streets while on drugs.  “Based on my evaluation of Nicole and the space time continuum it’s my belief that her mind is essentially a black hole.  When light approaches a black hole it is sucked in and time itself bends and changes.  It could indeed be that she spent only 82 minutes of measurable time in jail but endured a life time of damaged cuticles and mussed hair.  And that doesn’t even begin to take into account the impact she experienced from light cones and the effects of superstring theory.”

In other news, Carl Sagan is still dead but started spinning in his grave after getting word of Hawking’s comment on Richie.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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