Nicole Richie to Detail Prison Ordeal in New Book

82 harrowing minutes behind bars alters time and space

Inebriated Press
August 27, 2007

Nicole Richie fulfilled her sentence to do hard time by enduring an entire 82 minute period of imprisonment in the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood on Friday.  Sentenced to jail for driving the wrong way on a street while spaced out on drugs, she faced the heavy penalty with a characteristic “stiff upper lip”.  “I knew hard time would be hard,” said Richie.  “But I did the crime, so I had to do the time.  It was rugged for me and I had to deal with a lot of prison violence, avoid chicks with shiv’s and wear rough clothing.  It’s changed my life and I think it’s altered the universe we live in.  I’m going to detail it all in my new book, ‘Hard Time Nicole: My Life with Shiv-Packing Chicks, Canvass Lingerie and the Space Time Continuum’.”

The trouble for Nicole Richie started in December when she was arrested for driving the wrong way on an LA freeway.  Richie failed the field sobriety test and told police that she had smoked marijuana and taken some Vicodin before getting behind the wheel.  In July, she decided it might be best to plead guilty instead of risking a year in jail, especially since she was pregnant.  After a rough trial punctuated by a broken nail and a snagged taffeta blouse, she was dealt four days of hard time behind bars.  It was later reduced to 82 minutes for lude behavior in the privacy of the Judges chambers. 

Speaking on Larry King Live, Richie said that Science Publisher Inc. approached her with the book deal knowing that it would probably take her longer to write than her jail term lasted.  “It’s not the time so much as the timeless psychological impact on my psyche,” said Richie making up stuff as she went and occasionally reading passages directly from Psychology Today magazine.  “I’m still reeling beneath the impact of post jail mental anxiety and fear of chiggers and shiv’s.  It’s a psycho-time-space thing and my book will detail all of this and you can advance order it for only $24.95 on”

Richie is expected to join Joel Madden and Good Charlotte on the road again and plans to wed the father of her unborn child. A source tells E!, “She wants to do it on her own schedule. And it will be done because they are in love, not because they are up against some deadline.  Since they aren’t actually in love at this time they’re going to wait and do it when they are.  They’re thinking it may take longer than 82 minutes to figure this all out but believe it’s important to give their relationship the time it needs.”

Stephen Hawking, physicist and author of the book A Brief History of Time said that time is relative and that Richie’s speed and energy alter the impact of her prison term and also impacts the time she spends in relationships and driving the wrong way down streets while on drugs.  “Based on my evaluation of Nicole and the space time continuum it’s my belief that her mind is essentially a black hole.  When light approaches a black hole it is sucked in and time itself bends and changes.  It could indeed be that she spent only 82 minutes of measurable time in jail but endured a life time of damaged cuticles and mussed hair.  And that doesn’t even begin to take into account the impact she experienced from light cones and the effects of superstring theory.”

In other news, Carl Sagan is still dead but started spinning in his grave after getting word of Hawking’s comment on Richie.

© 2007

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