Satellite Plan Draws Angry Democrat Reaction

Dem’s worry about cellulite and Republican spying

Inebriated Press
August 27, 2007

Democrats reacted strongly to a controversial Homeland Security Department satellite-surveillance plan by warning the Department Secretary to keep his eye-in-the-sky turned away from Edward Kennedy’s compound in Massechuetsetts and Nancy Pelosi’s place in California.  Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said he was only trying to spot terrorists and women under 30.  Kennedy requested a live feed piped to his Washington office, his home and limousine so he could keep tabs on Department activities and make sure that the women really were under 30.   House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said they’d better keep the camera off of her pool.  Aides say Pelosi still looks great in a swimsuit but has become increasingly sensitive to a “cellulite issue”.

“Ever since the scandalous reporting about a minor situation I had in Chappaquiddick, I’ve needed to monitor media feeds of all kinds,” said Kennedy sipping a gin and tonic and flipping between the Spice and Playboy TV channels.  “Research has always been my passion and I don’t want anyone getting a jump on spin management without me having an early shot at stereotype generation and character assassination.  It’s important that I keep my hands on things for the good of the U.S. government and me in particular.”

Spy satellites have been used for decades for civilian purposes, including mapmaking and environmental studies. Three months ago, the Bush administration decided to expand their use for homeland security and law enforcement, including border protection.

The Homeland Security Secretary says he’s fully aware of concern about spy satellites and assured Democrats and the public that there is nothing to be worried about.  “There’s nothing to fear, I can assure you,” said Chertoff spinning his head around and looking over both of his shoulders at the same time.  “I intend to personally monitor the sky spying and will only share the most provocative pictures with members of my staff and the Bush administration.  If I spot any terrorists up to no good, I’ll probably share them with some people too.”

None of this sits well with House Speaker Pelosi.  “This doesn’t sit well with me,” she said squirming in her chair.  “I’m extremely uncomfortable and it’s more than this damn hose riding up.  These Republicans are staring into places that they’ve got no right looking and I’m starting to wonder where else they’ve got cameras stashed.  I wonder if I’m getting a rash or what?”

The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) is so concerned that they have started dropping their tendency for understatement and have become increasingly blunt. 

Andrew Schneider, executive director of ACLU operations in West Virginia said that he’s livid with anger and rage at the very notion of the sky spying.  “I’m livid with anger and rage,” said Schneider.  “Spy satellites can sense electromagnetic activity, radioactivity and chemical traces, as well as wavelengths of light. That allows them to see through cloud cover, concrete and most women’s blouses. Given the novelty of the program, there is effectively no legal framework governing their domestic use.  This means Americans could be subject to warrantless surveillance from space.  It’s just plain wrong.  Did I tell you that I’m livid with anger and rage?”

Vice President Dick “Buddy Blaster” Cheney convinced reporters that there is nothing to be concerned about.  “Everything is just fine and there’s nothing to worry about or be afraid of,” said Cheney swinging a small pocket watch in front of reporters.  “You’re getting very sleepy.  You are confident that the spy satellite program is a good one.  You will write nice things about the plan.  When you awake you will be refreshed, relaxed, and listen to show tunes and buy shares of Halliburton stock.”

In other news, Lesley Neilson has signed on to play George W. Bush in the lead role of the new movie “While I Was Sleeping”.

© 2007

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