Daily Archives: August 28, 2007

Democracy Hijacked by History

Assholes of the Middle East

Inebriated Press
August 28, 2007

The National Intelligence Estimate on Iraq was issued by the nation’s top intel agencies in Washington D.C. last week.  It said that Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri Al-Maliki can’t broker a deal with the countries warring factions and that an already screwed up government will become even more messed up in the coming months.  President Bush said it’s best to ignore the news and keep going the way we are and Republican Senator John Warner of Virginia said the U.S. should cut and run for the hills.  Democrats who think pacifying terrorists is a good strategy back Warner but think a run to the plains is best.  Republicans who are tiring of the Iraq problem increasingly believe that nuclear holocaust is a “practical” option. 

“It’s time to face facts,” said an unnamed CIA source wearing a paper bag over his head to hide his identity.  “Most of the influential people in the Middle East are assholes and they like to kill one another for sport and blame it on religion and government.  How else do you explain the way locals play games with the heads of dead animals and use explosives to kill time and themselves on a quiet afternoon?  Random acts of violence and occasional spirited maiming and killing is their ideal view of democracy and freedom.  It’s a shame that those who want peace can’t just move to Mexico and slip across the border into the US, but only terrorists and meat packing workers have that option.”

Iraqi Prime Minister Al-Maliki says if the U.S. really wants out of his country that Iraq can “find friends elsewhere” – almost certainly a reference to Iran.  He’s playing all sides.  Partly trying to screw with the U.S., partly to mess with Iran and partly to screw with the warring factions in is own country.  How do you govern when your head is used as a target for reasons of religion, politics and just plain for fun?  It’s not easy.

“I smoke grass, drink Bourbon and pray a lot,” said Al-Maliki during a recent interview with Hustler Magazine.  “I keep checking the mail to see if I’ve won Publishers Clearing House.  If Ed McMahon shows up at my door, I’m out of here!”

Intelligence experts say it’s a fact of life that dealing with oil funded morons with delusions of grandeur like Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is tricky.  “These guys think like the mullahs of the First Century and want to rule the world,” said a CIA operative using the name Skippy Jones.  “They arm, fund and teach jihad to yahoos who have no other education and have been roaming the desert without decent hats or sport utility vehicles.  The old line ‘kill them all and let God sort them out’ is starting to make a lot of sense to some of us in the intel community.”

But Iran’s Ahmadinejad says that the West has it all wrong.  “We are misunderstood.  We want peace just like everyone else,” said Ahmadinejad stroking a miniature surface to air missile next to his chair.  “That’s why obtaining nuclear weapons is so important to us.  We hope to use them to enable the West to understand and accept the fact that the Jewish Holocaust never happened and that our intention to rule the world is peaceful.  We love all people who believe the way I do and remain tolerant of those who don’t for a good 48 hours before we shoot or behead them.”

In other news, Hillary Rodham Clinton says that if she’s elected President she’ll take a hard look at Iraq before doing something else.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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New Discovery: Women Like Pink More Than Men

Holy hunter-gatherer!  The brains of men and women are different

Inebriated Press
August 28, 2007

A new study published in last weeks Proceedings of the Royal Society reveals that the brains of men and women differ and that women like the color pink more than men.  When given the choice of going to bed in either a pink teddy or green and brown camouflage pajamas 9 out of 10 men selected the pajamas while women chose the reverse.  Scientists couldn’t say why but declared that this clearly shows men are hunters and women are gatherers.  “Men and women are different,” said Scientist Claire Saylin.  “I’m almost positive.”

The study went on to say that women remember the locations of nutritionally valuable food resources more accurately than men do.  It also said that men could find Doritos under a couch cushion faster than women and had fewer qualms about eating them.  Women on the other hand could spot a bargain on shoes more quickly than men and could drive to the location of the sale without getting lost.  Women were also most willing to ask for directions if they were unsure.  Not everyone agrees with the studies conclusions.

“I think its bunk,” said Richard Simmons, exercise expert and sexual ameba.  “I like pink, I like Doritos, I hunt, I gather.  I can do it all.  Let me show you how I can split into another person using fission.” 

Dr. Irving Newt suggests that the study results show women’s minds are specialized for their ancestral task of gathering the sort of food that cannot run away.  He said women also enjoy gathering things like jewelry more than men.  On the other hand men are more hunter-like and tend to enjoy “chasing stuff”.  This seems to explain why men drive all over hunting for things and refusing to ask for help.  The study showed that the phrase “we’re lost but making good time” is perfectly logical to men.

“This revolutionary study reveals that the male brain differs from the female brain and visa versa,” said Dr. Newt.  “I’d like to explain more about how this works but I seem to have misplaced my report and I’ll be damned if I ask anyone where I put it.  Want some Doritos?”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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