Daily Archives: August 29, 2007

First Lady has Pinched Nerve, Causes Lunar Eclipse

Brings out astronomers and goddess worshipers

Inebriated Press
August 29, 2007

First Lady Laura Bush suffered from a pinched nerve in her neck and shoulder area on Tuesday and the earth cast its shadow across the moon.  Her physicians advised her not to travel and 89 percent of the worlds astronomers converted to astrologers when the earth and moon collaborated unexpectedly to create the eclipse.  “This was no accident,” said astronomer Charles Babbage, founding member of the Astronomical Society of London.  “Rarely has anyone named Laura caused an eclipse of any kind.  If I hadn’t died in 1871 this would scare the shit out of me.”

The eclipse was visible in both North and South America beginning at 0851 UTC and ending at 1224 UTC.  The injury to Laura occurred while she was hiking in Zion National Park in Utah.  The White House didn’t disclose the injury initially because they didn’t know it would affect the first lady’s public schedule or the earth and moon.

“Deities fitting the modern conception of Mother Earth or the Roman moon goddess Luna and having special powers have been revered in many societies through to modern times,” said Archie Graham, noted historian, doctor and former baseball player.  “Only recently has Laura Bush developed influence over the planets and been considered a deity and worshiped.  I think she’s a babe myself and can’t stop thinking about her.”

Mystics say that an earth goddess named Wilayah stems from Iran’s Muslim religion and that Laura has a striking resemblance to her.  CIA insiders leaked a report that said because of the similarity, “Lucky” Ahmadinejad, wife of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is seriously considering worshiping Laura Bush just to get under his skin.  “He’s becoming a pain in the ass,” Mrs. Ahmadinejad reportedly told her hair dresser earlier this month.  “Roaming the house moaning about the slow progress of the nuclear program; trying to raise more funds to support the insurgents in Iraq; supporting the women-haters in Afghanistan.  We never go out anymore.  I’ve had it up to here.”

Some health care professionals think that President George W. Bush’ constant exposure to Laura’s natural beauty and sex appeal is driving him crazy.  Others believe that Bush comes by it naturally. 

In other news, lunar deity Raquel Welch is over sixty and still eclipses many in the “still hot” category.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on First Lady has Pinched Nerve, Causes Lunar Eclipse

Filed under Humor, IP News

Taliban Crabby as US Destroys Their Heroin Lab

Says Allah will level disease on American infidels for harming drug business

Inebriated Press
August 29, 2007

Taliban gunmen clashed with U.S. and Afghan troops in southern Afghanistan this week after coalition forces destroyed a heroin laboratory they were guarding.  Mullah Mohammed Omar the current Taliban chief and lead jihad drug dealer said that the U.S. made a big mistake and that Allah would give the U.S. infidels crabs and STD’s for the atrocity.  General Richard Cody, the Army Vice Chief of Staff said that Allah was just fine with it and no crabs or STD’s were forthcoming.

“We’re not too concerned about Allah stepping in and leveling disease on us for blowing up these religious leaders drug business,” said General Cody, crossing himself and kissing the ring of a chaplain sitting next to him.  “When you get right down to it the Almighty doesn’t seem all that impressed with these drug pushers who make women wear sacks over their heads and ban them from all forms of education.”

The site, near the town of Musa Qalah in Helmand province, contained large amounts of opium-processing chemicals as well as weapons, ammunition and bomb-making equipment. 

Mullah Omar doesn’t see it the way General Cody does.  “These infidels support removing the tarps off of the heads of women during mild 120 degree days and think they should learn to read too,” said Omar mercifully popping a cap into the back of a Western journalist’s head rather than cutting it off with a dull blade.  “And they want to harm the drug dealing that we use to support our religious bomb making and missionary efforts to destroy non-radical believers.  This is against conservative Muslim religion.  The Americans are infidel dogs who should be killed and maimed or at the very least have a bad case of crabs.  God willing they will be catching something soon.”

More than 90 percent of the world’s opium, the raw material for heroin, is produced in Afghanistan, where it generates more than $3 billion a year for farmers and traffickers, according to the United Nations.  Revenue from the sale of illegal drugs is being used to finance the insurgency in Afghanistan.  Britain has been in charge of NATO’s drug-reduction program, but it has failed to make headway.

A member of The Revolutionary Association of Women of Afghanistan, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that she is okay with the destruction of the drugs and almost all Taliban men.  “Islam means the submission of humankind to the will of God, not the submission of women to the will of men or the Taliban,” she said.  “God willing the American’s will kick their ass.” 

In other news, medical experts say god has willed that the Taliban’s Mullah Mohammed Omar get the crabs and according to a new Gallup Poll 99% of the women in the Middle East support that will.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Taliban Crabby as US Destroys Their Heroin Lab

Filed under Humor, IP News