Daily Archives: August 30, 2007

Bush Hails Iraq Political Deal, Says Less Killing Would be Good

Some Iraqi leaders agree, some don’t

Inebriated Press
August 30, 2007

U.S. President George W. Bush welcomed a reconciliation agreement among Iraqi leaders this week, but warned that much work remained.  Kurdish politicians said it was worth a try, Shia’s said it might work and Sunni’s applauded the goals in the agreement.  Each of the sect leaders agreed that deep down unless they were in power and all competing philosophical and religious views had been crushed, they really didn’t give a shit. 

“We’ve been killing each other senselessly for over a thousand years because each of us knows we have the inside track to the Muslim faith and that makes us more religious and better able to rule the world than the other,” said Taki Al-Hashish an Iraqi politician known by his sect for never making a mistake.  “Secretly everybody is aware that it’s our sect that has it right and once we implement Bingo we’ll control the worlds religions and ultimately planet earth.”

Not everyone agrees with Al-Hashish and that seems to be part of the regions problems.  “He’s full of shit,” said Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sisterbarbi, an influential Shia leader and secret WWF fan.  “I’ve tried to reason with the dumb bastard but he just doesn’t get it.  He knows he has it all wrong and while his sect has done a good job killing many of my clan – and I have to admit I appreciate a group that does a good job of killing competing clan member s – that still hasn’t convinced me to go along with his views.”

Killing one another to convince those left alive to change how they believe is a time honored tradition that’s been passed down over the years throughout the Middle East.  “It’s not that they’re bad people,” said Muqtada al-Sadr, local cleric and terrorist fighting basically anyone trying to organize peace in Iraq.  “We just disagree with them so they deserve to die.  It’s not a big deal really, everyone has traditions.  Most Americans and Europeans don’t accept my faith as their own and naturally that means that they deserve to die too.  It’ll probably take a while but deep down Al Qaeda has it right and we should kill all the infidels in the world.  But I have to admit I don’t believe in everything Bin Laden has said or done and will probably kill him someday too, god willing.”

In welcoming the agreement President Bush said he felt hopeful.  “These leaders recognize that true and meaningful reconciliation needs to take place and I have confidence in them,” said Mr. Bush with his fingers crossed behind his back as he stood close to a recently installed 50 foot high lightening rod.  “Now if they’ll just stop killing each other long enough to actually behave like they recognize it, we can make some progress.  I see this as an important step.”

In other news, John Kerry announced today that he’s thankful he didn’t get elected President in 2004 even though he was looking forward to riding on Air Force One.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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China Blames U.S. For its Faulty Products

Capitalists to blame for Communist product recalls

Inebriated Press
August 30, 2007

China strongly defended the quality of its exports this week, saying the problems were a result of faulty U.S. designs not Chinese workmanship.  “We stole the U.S. patents in good faith and produced them with precise amounts of lead, asbestos and antifreeze as recommended by our engineers to meet the American designs,” said Mi Chaingang, head of China’s quality control and prison system.  “The recent recalls are due to bad capitalist designs faithfully reproduced by honorable communists following respected sweatshop rules.”  The U.S. admits that some of the designs are of U.S. origin.

“We did design some of the faulty products and also had some bad concepts and questionable ideas,” said Mattel CEO Bob Eckert.  “But we didn’t want them used.  We threw them away and our janitors carried them to dumpsters located behind our R&D office.  We didn’t think the Chinese would go through our trash but when we saw them introduce a product we rejected called ‘Barbie’s Flaming Wheel of Death,’ we should have realized that something was going on.” 

Earlier this month, Mattel Inc. recalled almost 19 million Chinese-made dolls, cars and action figures because they were contaminated with lead paint or contained small, powerful magnets that children might swallow and end up with their bodies stuck against refrigerators.  Mi says Mattel and other capitalist companies like them created all the problems and it wasn’t the fault of honorable Red Chinese Communists and future Chinese Olympic champions.

“We will crush the capitalist yahoos at the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games and then they will know that we are the more powerful and healthy country,” said Mi.  “They’ll stop returning our toys because it poisons their children once they see how lead eating Chinese children of the respected communist regime kick the badly designed American capitalist asses.”

In other news, Adidas is introducing a line of Olympic clothing produced with a special blend of asbestos cloth colored with lead based stain.  Reportedly it was the result of U.S. based designers and Chinese manufacturers.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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