Capitalists to blame for Communist product recalls
August 30, 2007
China strongly defended the quality of its exports this week, saying the problems were a result of faulty U.S. designs not Chinese workmanship. “We stole the U.S. patents in good faith and produced them with precise amounts of lead, asbestos and antifreeze as recommended by our engineers to meet the American designs,” said Mi Chaingang, head of China’s quality control and prison system. “The recent recalls are due to bad capitalist designs faithfully reproduced by honorable communists following respected sweatshop rules.” The U.S. admits that some of the designs are of U.S. origin.
“We did design some of the faulty products and also had some bad concepts and questionable ideas,” said Mattel CEO Bob Eckert. “But we didn’t want them used. We threw them away and our janitors carried them to dumpsters located behind our R&D office. We didn’t think the Chinese would go through our trash but when we saw them introduce a product we rejected called ‘Barbie’s Flaming Wheel of Death,’ we should have realized that something was going on.”
Earlier this month, Mattel Inc. recalled almost 19 million Chinese-made dolls, cars and action figures because they were contaminated with lead paint or contained small, powerful magnets that children might swallow and end up with their bodies stuck against refrigerators. Mi says Mattel and other capitalist companies like them created all the problems and it wasn’t the fault of honorable Red Chinese Communists and future Chinese Olympic champions.
“We will crush the capitalist yahoos at the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games and then they will know that we are the more powerful and healthy country,” said Mi. “They’ll stop returning our toys because it poisons their children once they see how lead eating Chinese children of the respected communist regime kick the badly designed American capitalist asses.”
In other news, Adidas is introducing a line of Olympic clothing produced with a special blend of asbestos cloth colored with lead based stain. Reportedly it was the result of U.S. based designers and Chinese manufacturers.
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