Daily Archives: August 31, 2007

#1 Mississippi Beats #3 Alabama at the Trough

Mississippi is fattest U.S. state, beating out Alabama and West Virginia

Inebriated Press
August 31, 2007

Mississippians celebrated a number one ranking this week.  Listed as the state with the most overweight people they declared a State holiday and went out for barbeque.  The University of Mississippi “Ole Miss” football program last won a national championship in 1962 and is ranked 46th in the nation in NCAA football for 2007, but that hasn’t dampened their appetite.  “We kicked Alabama’s ass when it comes to pigging out and beefing up,” said Eli Manning a pro football player who helped lead the Rebels to a 10-3 record and a Cotton Bowl championship in 2003.  “It’s tough that ESPN ranks us below Alabama in NCAA football this year but they came in third on the Most Obese Chart, so we out-ate them and that counts.”

According to a study released this week, obesity rates ranged from more than 17 percent in Colorado to more than 30 percent in Mississippi.  “All the state’s are competing aggressively, said Weighty Tome, executive director of the nonprofit Fat Trust Report.  “We’ve seen a dramatic increase in obesity throughout the country.  No state is out of the running if they just eat an extra bite or sit on their ass a few more minutes each day.”

But not everyone thinks the higher level of obesity is good.  “Poor nutrition and physical inactivity are robbing America of health and productivity,” said Dr. Heather Beanpole, nutritionist and general wet blanket.  “The rate of childhood obesity has more than tripled from 1980 to 2004.  Approximately 25 million children are now either obese or overweight.  They’re killing themselves.”

There is little dispute over what is causing the epidemic.  “It seems that the cheapest foods are those that are the worst for you,” said Dr. Mark N. Timme, president of the Bob Wood Big Johnson Foundation, which helped pay for the report and is hoping for a lot of royalty payments.  “People eat cheap and fast and plump up like gangbusters.  Maybe if they were more sexually active it would help.” 

Mississippians aren’t buying it.  “I’m active enough when and where and how I want to be,” said Shirley U. Jeste.  “We got a number one ranking, we got plenty of damn good BBQ and if I can get season tickets to Ole Miss Football, things couldn’t be better.  Tell them folks with the study that they can kiss my big ole ass if they’re not too pale and weak from lack of sustenance.”

In other news its been announced that the Mississippi Rebels play the Alabama Crimson Tide on October 13 at Vaught Hemingway Stadium and only serious fans and BBQ eaters will be allowed in the stadium.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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NASA’s Lightsaber Defense Strategy

Fearing attack NASA plans launch with Luke Skywalker

Inebriated Press
August 31, 2007

When the space shuttle Discovery launches the STS-120 astronaut crew in October, Luke Skywalker and his Lightsaber will be with them.  NASA officials say they’ve picked up radio traffic from space that indicates Darth Vader may have plans to attack the International Space Station and think that only Luke and his Lightsaber can protect the mission.  Others think NASA staff have lost their minds and since ex-astronaut Lisa Nowak filed an insanity plea for accosting a romantic rival and shooting pepper spray at her, Vegas oddsmakers say it’s an even bet.

Stowed onboard the orbiter, in addition to a new module for the Space Station, will be the original Lightsaber used by actor Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker in the 1977 film “Star Wars”.  Hamill refused to make the trip so NASA will be using a Skywalker stand-in known only as “Bob”.  His last name was withheld pending psychological evaluation.  Meanwhile, Lisa Nowak filed notice in court this week saying she was insane when she stalked Air Force Capt. Colleen Shipman and drove hundreds of miles from Texas to Florida before accosting Shipman at Orlando International Airport in February.  She says she really meant to mail the pepper spray so Shipman could use it on her salad, but the drive was so enjoyable that she kept going.  She says it was a nutty thing to have done.  The relationship between the Skywalker plan and the Nowak case is sketchy but the insanity link appears strong.

Space Center Houston, as the official visitor center for NASA’s Johnson Space Center, plans to publicly display the Lightsaber through Labor Day, after which it will be prepared for its launch from the Kennedy Space Center in Florida.  Also over Labor Day weekend, Lisa Nowak and Colleen Shipman will be competing against one another in a World Wrestling Federation (WWF) event called “Spaced Out and Beyond: Splashdown Smashdown; NASA Babes Go At It.”

NASA Administrator Mike Griffin said he was sure that the Labor Day weekend activities would go well and that if Darth Vader does show up at the Space Station someone will kick his butt.  “I’m wishing Lisa would have stayed with NASA,” Griffin said stirring a poached egg with an onion.  “She was the toughest S.O.B. in the Agency before she went bonkers.”

Unnamed NASA communication specialists say the actual radio transmission referred to Ralph Nader saying he was against the Space Station and that it was not Darth Vader.  Griffin says Lisa could have kicked his ass too.

In other news, U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid plans to fly the Millennium Falcon to Infinity and Beyond and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has signed a contract to appear nude in Archaeology Today.  President Bush is currently out to lunch.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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