#1 Mississippi Beats #3 Alabama at the Trough

Mississippi is fattest U.S. state, beating out Alabama and West Virginia

Inebriated Press
August 31, 2007

Mississippians celebrated a number one ranking this week.  Listed as the state with the most overweight people they declared a State holiday and went out for barbeque.  The University of Mississippi “Ole Miss” football program last won a national championship in 1962 and is ranked 46th in the nation in NCAA football for 2007, but that hasn’t dampened their appetite.  “We kicked Alabama’s ass when it comes to pigging out and beefing up,” said Eli Manning a pro football player who helped lead the Rebels to a 10-3 record and a Cotton Bowl championship in 2003.  “It’s tough that ESPN ranks us below Alabama in NCAA football this year but they came in third on the Most Obese Chart, so we out-ate them and that counts.”

According to a study released this week, obesity rates ranged from more than 17 percent in Colorado to more than 30 percent in Mississippi.  “All the state’s are competing aggressively, said Weighty Tome, executive director of the nonprofit Fat Trust Report.  “We’ve seen a dramatic increase in obesity throughout the country.  No state is out of the running if they just eat an extra bite or sit on their ass a few more minutes each day.”

But not everyone thinks the higher level of obesity is good.  “Poor nutrition and physical inactivity are robbing America of health and productivity,” said Dr. Heather Beanpole, nutritionist and general wet blanket.  “The rate of childhood obesity has more than tripled from 1980 to 2004.  Approximately 25 million children are now either obese or overweight.  They’re killing themselves.”

There is little dispute over what is causing the epidemic.  “It seems that the cheapest foods are those that are the worst for you,” said Dr. Mark N. Timme, president of the Bob Wood Big Johnson Foundation, which helped pay for the report and is hoping for a lot of royalty payments.  “People eat cheap and fast and plump up like gangbusters.  Maybe if they were more sexually active it would help.” 

Mississippians aren’t buying it.  “I’m active enough when and where and how I want to be,” said Shirley U. Jeste.  “We got a number one ranking, we got plenty of damn good BBQ and if I can get season tickets to Ole Miss Football, things couldn’t be better.  Tell them folks with the study that they can kiss my big ole ass if they’re not too pale and weak from lack of sustenance.”

In other news its been announced that the Mississippi Rebels play the Alabama Crimson Tide on October 13 at Vaught Hemingway Stadium and only serious fans and BBQ eaters will be allowed in the stadium.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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