NASA’s Lightsaber Defense Strategy

Fearing attack NASA plans launch with Luke Skywalker

Inebriated Press
August 31, 2007

When the space shuttle Discovery launches the STS-120 astronaut crew in October, Luke Skywalker and his Lightsaber will be with them.  NASA officials say they’ve picked up radio traffic from space that indicates Darth Vader may have plans to attack the International Space Station and think that only Luke and his Lightsaber can protect the mission.  Others think NASA staff have lost their minds and since ex-astronaut Lisa Nowak filed an insanity plea for accosting a romantic rival and shooting pepper spray at her, Vegas oddsmakers say it’s an even bet.

Stowed onboard the orbiter, in addition to a new module for the Space Station, will be the original Lightsaber used by actor Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker in the 1977 film “Star Wars”.  Hamill refused to make the trip so NASA will be using a Skywalker stand-in known only as “Bob”.  His last name was withheld pending psychological evaluation.  Meanwhile, Lisa Nowak filed notice in court this week saying she was insane when she stalked Air Force Capt. Colleen Shipman and drove hundreds of miles from Texas to Florida before accosting Shipman at Orlando International Airport in February.  She says she really meant to mail the pepper spray so Shipman could use it on her salad, but the drive was so enjoyable that she kept going.  She says it was a nutty thing to have done.  The relationship between the Skywalker plan and the Nowak case is sketchy but the insanity link appears strong.

Space Center Houston, as the official visitor center for NASA’s Johnson Space Center, plans to publicly display the Lightsaber through Labor Day, after which it will be prepared for its launch from the Kennedy Space Center in Florida.  Also over Labor Day weekend, Lisa Nowak and Colleen Shipman will be competing against one another in a World Wrestling Federation (WWF) event called “Spaced Out and Beyond: Splashdown Smashdown; NASA Babes Go At It.”

NASA Administrator Mike Griffin said he was sure that the Labor Day weekend activities would go well and that if Darth Vader does show up at the Space Station someone will kick his butt.  “I’m wishing Lisa would have stayed with NASA,” Griffin said stirring a poached egg with an onion.  “She was the toughest S.O.B. in the Agency before she went bonkers.”

Unnamed NASA communication specialists say the actual radio transmission referred to Ralph Nader saying he was against the Space Station and that it was not Darth Vader.  Griffin says Lisa could have kicked his ass too.

In other news, U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid plans to fly the Millennium Falcon to Infinity and Beyond and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has signed a contract to appear nude in Archaeology Today.  President Bush is currently out to lunch.

© 2007

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