Monthly Archives: September 2007

Sunday Toon ~ Economy

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WAC: Get your own Titanium Hyper-action Ginsu Knife

Weekend Ad Copy (WAC) by: Ronco Media Ginsu Knife Division
Inebriated Press
September 29, 2007

Sick of dull blades when on the wrong side of town, or maybe you’re stymied when hacking on a tough steak or your husband’s lover? Well put those days behind you! Now you can own a Ginsu that can cut anything and do it over and over again without ever getting dull! You can slice, dice and hack your way through everything and do it now!

Stop putting up with dull blades and have the knife of your dreams at the ready the next time you need to cut some cheese, an exhaust pipe or the guy across the street that annoys you!

That’s right, now you can own your own fabulous knife made of titanium alloy and encrusted with micro blades that are invisible to the naked eye but can remove bits of cement, steel and flesh quickly and easily. Admit it; it’s what you’ve been dreaming about!

An inexpensive but super duper Titanium Hyper-action Ginsu Knife can be yours. Make your slicing dreams come true by ordering one today!

How can we sell such a terrific knife so cheaply and somehow legally? It may seem complicated to some but at Ronco Media Ginsu Knife Division we’ve made it simple. We’ve perfected smuggling operations and are able to quickly source and deliver high quality authentic Chinese Ginsu knives to American homes quickly and easily. Our patented no-way-in packing boxes arrive at your door safely and securely by UPS and the special unlocking devise comes separately by USPS! We’re tricky and cute! And you reap the benefits!

Order your Titanium Hyper-action Ginsu Knife by sending only $39.95 in cash or Money Order to:

Ronco Media Ginsu Knife Division
Attn: Blades of Gory
Box 1234567
New York, New York 54321

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Fine print: Not recommended for children under age five. Some legal and other unknown risks may apply. Consult your cousin Frank for more details.

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© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Fight Illness with Sex and Breast Pumping

Russia Discovers that Sex Cures the Common Cold
Harvard Student wins Breast Pumping Medical Case

Inebriated Press
September 28, 2007

The Russian newspaper Pravda reported this week that sexual activity is good for both the body and mind and may relieve cold symptoms such as shivering and muscle stiffness.  The paper cited Swiss doctors that say sexual activity strengthens the immune system.  Also this week the New York Times reported that a Massachusetts appeals court has ruled that a Harvard medical student must be given extra time during tests to pump breast milk so that she can avoid medical complications.  For the first time in recorded history both the law and medical practices agree that having sex and pumping breasts is key to good health.  While you’re reading this article Harper Collins is reprinting text books and adolescent boys are taking renewed interest in health class.

“I haven’t had a cold in fifty years,” said Hugh Hefner, Playboy publisher and sex and breast pumping advocate.  “People have referred to my life as one big science experiment and I’ll be darned if they weren’t right.  I’d talk with you more but I think I’m getting the sniffles.  At my age I can’t take chances.  I’d better go treat it right away!” 

Not everyone buys into the recent announcements as either legal or medical precedent.  “Sex and milk are both risky in today’s society,” said Ralph Nader a consumer advocate and a sex and breast adverse old guy.  “Everything has been genetically modified and that has altered the impact of human interaction and resulted in new risks and dangers and stuff that we can’t see or imagine.  I’m scared shitless and the worst of it is I fear bran and Metamucil so I guess I’m screwed.”

Reportedly the news has doctors being pressed to write prescriptions for sex and breast pumping to treat cold and flu-like symptoms and some are combining them with Viagra scripts.  Hooter’s is adding pharmacies to their restaurants and plans to “cash in big”.  “We’re not just about chicken wings anymore,” said Hooters CEO Coby Brooks.  “From now on promoting tits and ass puts me in the health care business.”

In other news, former president Bill Clinton is recommending a rewrite of both Democrat and Republican health care platforms saying that they’re out of touch and that good medical care needs to include more focus on breasts and sex.  Most Congressional leaders agree and want to add Clinton’s activity with interns as a basic benefit in elected leader’s employee packages along with free annual physicals.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Nude pic’s of Hillary Clinton online

Hubby sells shower shots to fund run for presidency

Inebriated Press
September 28, 2007

Nude pictures of presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton have appeared on the website TeaAndAss.com a popular high society Internet portal for politicians and social climbers.  Reportedly former president Bill Clinton sold the pictures to replace funds lost when Democrat fund raiser Norman Hsu was arrested and millions of advertising and public relations dollars were lost.  The online pictures include Hillary showering, shampooing a dog while naked and caressing a photograph of Franklin Delano Roosevelt while fully clothed but showing all of her teeth and none of her lips.  Democratic National Committee (DNC) chief Howard Dean said he didn’t mind Bill selling the pictures, but was upset that the DNC wasn’t consulted.  Hillary has denied that the pictures are her.

“These are just fake pictures that some idiot paid to have made,” said Hillary Clinton kicking Bill in the groin with both feet.  “I don’t know anything about them, but if I did there would be hell to pay.” 

Historian and archeologist Nate Friborg says they look like the presidential candidate to him.  “Based on the historical data and archetypical movements of the female in the images, I’d have to say it is in fact, Hillary Clinton,” said Friborg.  “That and the glow-in-the-dark tattoo on her chest that reads ‘Bill you asshole get off me’.”

Norman Hsu, one of the top fundraisers for big-name Democrats, was charged last week with swindling at least $60 million from investors and using some of his profits to make illegal donations to political campaigns.  Illegal donations to Democrats are typical but getting caught has been rare.  DNC’s Dean said the Committee is facing financial problems because of the loss and may have to cut back on financing the popular Lies and Innuendo Division that has come to characterize the Party.  Short of funds, they have been considering use of volunteers to carry out what the DNC refers to as “plausible misdirection”.  Former president Bill Clinton says the whole thing is not that big a deal.

“When I was president we paid off donors by letting them sleep in the Lincoln bedroom, knocked off Hillary’s lawyer Vince Foster right inside the White House, I was banging Interns and gambling on CIA hits while in the Oval office.  We got away with all that shit.  You think that a screw-up by some Chink is going to slow down a Clinton campaign?  I want back on Pennsylvania Avenue and I’ll sell naked pictures of Chelsea before we go without funding for Hill’s run.  You like that?  Hill’s Run.  I’m thinking of starting a website based on the name.  Hillary’s Hill’s, get it?  I think I can sell online subscriptions and make even more than the fifty bucks I got from that Tea website.  That is if Hillary will let me near her in the shower again.  I have to get another camera too.  The old one got broke somehow.”

In other news, Democrat and former U.S. president Franklin Delano Roosevelt is not only spinning in his grave, he’s reportedly turning straw into gold.  Democrats are fighting over who gets to spend it.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Iran Defies U.N., U.S. Battles Honduran Socks

Fear of socks and nukes ramping in U.S.

Inebriated Press
September 27, 2007

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declared yesterday that his country would answer only to international inspectors, not the United Nations Security Council, in the dispute over its nuclear ambitions.  And the U.S. Committee for the Implementation of Textile Agreements has until late November to decide whether to put pre-CAFTA level tariffs back on all Honduran sock imports for three years.  Tension is mounting in the U.S. and Middle East over potential attacks by terrorists using Iranian developed nuclear devises and risky Honduran socks.

“Uncontrolled sock imports from Honduras and uncontrolled Iranian nuclear ambitions are threatening the U.S. and there’s no time to waste sitting around debating action any longer,” said an unnamed source from under a box outside of the United Nations building.  “It’s time the Israelis bomb Honduran sock factories and the Brazilians blast Iranian nuclear plants.  Implemented quickly I think the strategy will catch both countries with their pants down.”

Iran’s Ahmadinejad has protested U.S. efforts to gain global support to slow his nuclear ambitions and called the U.N. Security Council an “ineffective tool” of “arrogant powers”.  He said that he’d prefer that incompetent international inspectors visit Iran’s nuclear operations and that he’d be sure to “show them a good time”.  The U.S. says Ahmadinejad is deluded.

“He’s kidding himself and Columbia University if he thinks that we’re going to let him do whatever he wants with nukes,” said U.S. Secretary of State Condi Rice, sticking pins in a small doll that looked like Iran’s president.  “The Bush administration has successfully stood up to Senator’s Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi and this Ahmadinejad character isn’t as tough as they are.” 

Pelosi disagrees with the Bush administration’s approach to Iran and in an unusual moment of candor said so.  “I’m more worried about Honduran socks than Iranian nukes,” said Pelosi turning her shoes and a nearby chicken inside out.  “If I get hit with a nuke I’m dead and nothing matters.  If we let Honduras take over the sock market my feet will never feel comfortable and that could bug me for years.”

In other news, recent studies indicate that studies are inaccurate and cannot be relied on.  And many news reports are simply made up and editors prefer it that way.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Jay Leno and Paris Hilton Found in Love Nest

Couple caught cuddling in condo

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
September 27, 2007

TMZ reports from deep underground that Paris Hilton and Jay Leno were discovered massaging each others hips in a Hot Springs, Arkansas condominium last week.  Paparazzi using Soviet style night vision goggles and armed with AK-47’s flushed the couple out onto the balcony by using guerrilla tactics involving stink bombs and licorice whips.  Reportedly Leno was wearing only a mustache and Hilton was clothed with a tattoo of Toto, a well known dog from Kansas.  Leno spokesman and part-time singer Huey Lewis denied the report saying that Leno stopped renting mustache’s in the late ’90’s.  Hilton’s publicist, Nicole Ritchie also denied the report saying that Paris is a city in France.  Media pundits and some famous people are debating the validity of the report.

“TMZ makes up half the stuff they report,” said Britney Spears in an interview at a dance club where she was said to be searching for misplaced underwear.  “You can’t believe a single thing they report, especially about me.”

But some people think TMZ has it called right.  “Leno and Hilton are going at it, that’s for sure,” said Doctor Phibes AKA Vincent Price, a well known actor who died in the early ’90’s.  “Before returning from the dead I used to read a lot of celebrity news in tabloids.  I think TMZ is probably as accurate as any of them.  I sure liked the Britney pic’s.  That’s one of the reasons I came back.”

Reporting on celebrities caught in the act of doing naughty stuff is a time honored tradition in many Western nations and TMZ has been making the most of real and imagined celebrity scandals.  “Heck if it weren’t for out of work National Enquirer writers and Photoshop software we wouldn’t even have a business,” said Alan Citron, TMZ’s general manager.  “That and a gullible public of course.  Don’t want to leave the folks out!  I learned my core management philosophy from Barnum and Bailey.”  Then laughing hysterically, he added, “On the other hand everything we report is strictly factual.  You could call us the Wall Street Journal of celebrity facts and figures.”

In other news, Paris Hilton says Jay Leno’s hips are too old for her to massage, and Leno says he wouldn’t hire Hilton as a hooker.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Students Tasered, Why Not Ahmadinejad

One disrupts talk of Iraq, the other disrupts Iraq

Inebriated Press
September 26, 2007

Campus police at the University of Florida tackled, then Tasered a journalism student last week for disrupting a Q and A session with U.S. Senator John Kerry.  Some say it was warranted, others say the police over reacted.  Yesterday Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke at Columbia University and lied about not interfering in Iraq and said he wasn’t supplying weapons that say “Made in Iran” to terrorists fighting democracy there.  In response Columbia University President Lee Bollinger said Ahmadinejad looked petty and cruel.  Some say it was warranted, others say he under reacted.

“The ass hole still says that the Holocaust never happened, that he isn’t supporting insurgents in Iraq or funding terrorists in Israel,” said University of Florida campus police officer G.P. “Gator” McCluskey.  “He says his nuclear program is for electricity even though his country has the second largest natural gas reserves and the fifth largest crude oil reserves in the world.  Taser the son of a bitch and lets talk some sense.”

Despite being called a bunch of “sissies” by Florida campus police, the campus officers at Columbia said their restraint was appropriate.  “We don’t carry Tasers at Columbia,” said Columbia campus security chief Ziegfeld “Zig Zag” Marijuanae.  “We carry condoms and handcuffs to help out the students if they get in a jam.  But we did stare really hard at Ahmadinejad and I think that made him uncomfortable.  I’m pretty sure he’s going to behave better from now on.”

Psychologists and historians are debating whether giving the Iranian president a forum in the U.S. plus a platform to broadcast his propaganda to the world was really a good thing to do.  “Up until now a lot of people in Iran weren’t even sure that they wanted to keep Ahmadinejad in power,” said historian and stamp collector Ahem Nowwuut.  “By raising his profile and distributing his philosophy Columbia has given him credibility he didn’t have and a powerful profile because it shows Americans are debating with him on a level field.  Ignoring him would hurt him most.  The folks at Columbia are the ones to Taser.”  Psychologist Nancy Hardy disagrees.

“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is only acting out his fantasies about taking over the world and having all nations give him deference and debating his words as though they have great meaning and import,” said Nancy Hardy a psychologist who likes tea and is fixing an overbite.  “He believes that he has been placed by god in his position and that he will personally usher in a new era of Islamofascism and anti-Semitism through lies, innuendo and ultimately nuclear weapons.  Placating him like the folks at Columbia did is the right thing to do.  It worked for Britain with Hitler for a while.”

In other news, Senator and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi called for Columbia campus police to be put in charge of security on the University of Florida campus and Vice President Dick Cheney called for campus security from Florida to be put in charge of security at Columbia.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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