Daily Archives: September 3, 2007

Fear of Cows and Pigs Hits World

Wary humans nervously track animals with satellites and cameras

Inebriated Press
September 3, 2007

A herd of cows in the Yorkshire Dales are having their every move monitored by satellite and experts hope the devices will reveal where the cows go and what they do, according to BBC News. The pigs China hopes to use in pork supplied for the Beijing Olympics are doing two hours of outdoor exercise every day according to people using cameras that monitor the pigs around the clock, the Beijing Times reported.  Following the tragic death of crocodile hunter Steve Irwin, humans have grown increasingly wary of animals and are upping surveillance using high tech tools.

“I saw a cow stalking a farmer in his field one day,” said I.C.U., an FBI operative identified only by his initials for fear of bovine reprisals.  “It seemed to be walking casually along a fence and chewing a cud.  Like I said, it seemed to be.  But I’ve been at this a while and I know better.  It could strike at any moment.”

The Humane Society of the United States (HSUS) says that people are overreacting and cows and pigs really don’t pose a threat.  “We’re more dangerous to them than they are to us,” said HSUS CEO Sam “Spiderman” Blick while lighting a joint and taking a drag.  “Only wacko’s who smoke more medical marijuana than their body can tolerate are really afraid of our fuzzy friends.  You want a hit of this?” 

Animal scientist’s report that in spite of HSUS drug induced comfort with all forms of animal life, that non-human living creatures have become increasingly violent toward human beings.  “Feral hogs — untamed pigs that roam rural areas of the U.S. — are attacking Iowa picnickers with growing frequency,” said Iowa State University animal scientist Eli Elo.  “We need to keep an eye on them and be ready to run and hide at a moments notice.  I’d talk more, but I keep them off balance by unexpectedly sprinting in all directions … away I go!”

Senator Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont) introduced a bill in the U.S. Senate that would require the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) to use technology and science to track animals from birth to death.  “We can no longer let animals wander around pastures unchecked,” said Leahy spinning in a circle while juggling two Congressional amendments and an Intern.  “We should be using GPS to track all non-human life and Republicans.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Fear of Cows and Pigs Hits World

Filed under Humor, IP News

Microsoft Vista Service Pack and Birth Control Ahead

Gates admits lack of perfection, family planning at risk

Inebriated Press
September 3, 2007

After months of speculation, rumor, and an occasional lie from Microsoft, the company is finally admitting that Service Pack 1 for Windows Vista will be released soon.  Bill Gates said that despite the basic perfection of Vista and all of Microsoft’s previous operating systems, a few “tweaks” might help some users.  Planned Parenthood expressed relief.

“Because we’ve always wondered aloud about users and occasionally receive a complaint that we don’t ignore, we’re going ahead and making a few minor changes to Vista that will allow files to open more quickly and actually unzip some of them without users conceiving and giving birth to a child during the waiting process,” said Gates, nonchalantly zipping and unzipping his pants.  “Even though I’m spending more time giving away some of the money my company is making, it doesn’t mean that I’m not keeping an eye on things and providing input to keep the company strong and able to crush newcomers.” 

Experts say Windows Vista performance problems include sluggish copying and unzipping of files; slowness in resuming from hibernate and standby; and a delay when hitting Control-Alt-Delete to log in.

“I’ve conceived and given birth to a couple of kids while waiting for a file to be unzipped,” said Gwen Thompson, Vista user and mother of five.  “Microsoft has kept me waiting but hasn’t stopped me from growing my family.  I have to admit that I welcome the new Vista Service Pack.  My family is big enough already.”

Gates says that computer operating systems were never designed for birth control purposes and that people who conceive while waiting for files to open must bear the responsibility themselves.  “Just because it takes a while to open a zipped file with Vista doesn’t mean users should unzip other things and get it on,” said Gates sucking the life out of a nearby Apple consultant.  “We do what we do and the users do what they do.  I’m responsible for my millions and they’re responsible for procreation involving their bodies.  At least for now.”

Experts say Microsoft did a pretty good job of swiping concepts from Apples operating system and integrating them into Microsoft’s Vista, but didn’t do well enough on the performance side.  “They’re still slow with startup and basic operating performance,” said Le Chan technical consultant for China’s high-tech theft and birth control department.  “They’ve done well but could do better.  We’re hoping the Vista updates will speed up operations because China’s population is big enough and we need more controls in place.”

In other news, Trojan Condoms is in talks with the Chinese government and the rumor is that a new Trojan may be introduced that can slip into Vista security vulnerabilities and restrict third world population growth.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Microsoft Vista Service Pack and Birth Control Ahead

Filed under Humor, Imbibers' Choice, IP News