Fear of Cows and Pigs Hits World

Wary humans nervously track animals with satellites and cameras

Inebriated Press
September 3, 2007

A herd of cows in the Yorkshire Dales are having their every move monitored by satellite and experts hope the devices will reveal where the cows go and what they do, according to BBC News. The pigs China hopes to use in pork supplied for the Beijing Olympics are doing two hours of outdoor exercise every day according to people using cameras that monitor the pigs around the clock, the Beijing Times reported.  Following the tragic death of crocodile hunter Steve Irwin, humans have grown increasingly wary of animals and are upping surveillance using high tech tools.

“I saw a cow stalking a farmer in his field one day,” said I.C.U., an FBI operative identified only by his initials for fear of bovine reprisals.  “It seemed to be walking casually along a fence and chewing a cud.  Like I said, it seemed to be.  But I’ve been at this a while and I know better.  It could strike at any moment.”

The Humane Society of the United States (HSUS) says that people are overreacting and cows and pigs really don’t pose a threat.  “We’re more dangerous to them than they are to us,” said HSUS CEO Sam “Spiderman” Blick while lighting a joint and taking a drag.  “Only wacko’s who smoke more medical marijuana than their body can tolerate are really afraid of our fuzzy friends.  You want a hit of this?” 

Animal scientist’s report that in spite of HSUS drug induced comfort with all forms of animal life, that non-human living creatures have become increasingly violent toward human beings.  “Feral hogs — untamed pigs that roam rural areas of the U.S. — are attacking Iowa picnickers with growing frequency,” said Iowa State University animal scientist Eli Elo.  “We need to keep an eye on them and be ready to run and hide at a moments notice.  I’d talk more, but I keep them off balance by unexpectedly sprinting in all directions … away I go!”

Senator Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont) introduced a bill in the U.S. Senate that would require the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) to use technology and science to track animals from birth to death.  “We can no longer let animals wander around pastures unchecked,” said Leahy spinning in a circle while juggling two Congressional amendments and an Intern.  “We should be using GPS to track all non-human life and Republicans.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Fear of Cows and Pigs Hits World

Filed under Humor, IP News

Comments are closed.