Microsoft Vista Service Pack and Birth Control Ahead

Gates admits lack of perfection, family planning at risk

Inebriated Press
September 3, 2007

After months of speculation, rumor, and an occasional lie from Microsoft, the company is finally admitting that Service Pack 1 for Windows Vista will be released soon.  Bill Gates said that despite the basic perfection of Vista and all of Microsoft’s previous operating systems, a few “tweaks” might help some users.  Planned Parenthood expressed relief.

“Because we’ve always wondered aloud about users and occasionally receive a complaint that we don’t ignore, we’re going ahead and making a few minor changes to Vista that will allow files to open more quickly and actually unzip some of them without users conceiving and giving birth to a child during the waiting process,” said Gates, nonchalantly zipping and unzipping his pants.  “Even though I’m spending more time giving away some of the money my company is making, it doesn’t mean that I’m not keeping an eye on things and providing input to keep the company strong and able to crush newcomers.” 

Experts say Windows Vista performance problems include sluggish copying and unzipping of files; slowness in resuming from hibernate and standby; and a delay when hitting Control-Alt-Delete to log in.

“I’ve conceived and given birth to a couple of kids while waiting for a file to be unzipped,” said Gwen Thompson, Vista user and mother of five.  “Microsoft has kept me waiting but hasn’t stopped me from growing my family.  I have to admit that I welcome the new Vista Service Pack.  My family is big enough already.”

Gates says that computer operating systems were never designed for birth control purposes and that people who conceive while waiting for files to open must bear the responsibility themselves.  “Just because it takes a while to open a zipped file with Vista doesn’t mean users should unzip other things and get it on,” said Gates sucking the life out of a nearby Apple consultant.  “We do what we do and the users do what they do.  I’m responsible for my millions and they’re responsible for procreation involving their bodies.  At least for now.”

Experts say Microsoft did a pretty good job of swiping concepts from Apples operating system and integrating them into Microsoft’s Vista, but didn’t do well enough on the performance side.  “They’re still slow with startup and basic operating performance,” said Le Chan technical consultant for China’s high-tech theft and birth control department.  “They’ve done well but could do better.  We’re hoping the Vista updates will speed up operations because China’s population is big enough and we need more controls in place.”

In other news, Trojan Condoms is in talks with the Chinese government and the rumor is that a new Trojan may be introduced that can slip into Vista security vulnerabilities and restrict third world population growth.

© 2007

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