Daily Archives: September 4, 2007

Hillary Admits She’s a Male Transsexual

Bill says “see what I was up against”

Inebriated Press
September 4, 2007

New York Senator and Presidential hopeful Hillary Rodham Clinton admitted today that she’s been hiding her true gender and is actually a transsexual man.  Wearing a pink scarf decorated with yellow lightening bolts she looked down on reporters at a press conference held at New York City’s Center for Gender Anonymity and spoke for ten minutes before leaping into the East River for a swim.  Clinton said that her unique “situation” allows her to see all sides of every issue and means she’s the most qualified candidate for President of the United States.  Former President Bill Clinton, hiding someplace behind her offered support and said he was only slightly surprised by the revelation.  He said that over the last decade or so he “figured something was going on.”

Republicans were characteristically gracious.  “Who hasn’t been someone or something other than they pretended to be,” said Trent Lott, U.S. Senator from Mississippi.  “Naturally I think Hillary is twisted as hell, but then I’ve always thought that.  This is no big deal really.”

Barack Obama said he thought Senator Clinton’s revelation was refreshingly candid and that it would result in a more civil and optimistic presidential race.  Speaking to reporters from under a desk at his office in Illinois Obama wondered aloud how Bill Clinton was handling the news.  “I suppose this doesn’t really change what Bill’s been doing or his relationship with Hillary,” Obama said unwrapping a candy sucker.  “But I suppose all these years of not really knowing her could cause him to rewrite his memoirs.  Well, at least he has something to keep him busy now.”

The American Male Transsexual Worth Organization (AMTWO) welcomed Hillary and said that they were proud to have a person with their life style preference and philosophy running for president.  “We like it,” said Bobsy Twin, Executive Director and tattoo artist.  “This is like, so cool I’m almost beside myself.  Come to think of it, I am.”

In other news, Osama bin Laden looked out from under a rock for a moment yesterday but then ducked back under again.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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New Study: Everything Will Kill You

Only Dick Clark will live forever

Inebriated Press
September 4, 2007

A new study released today by the U.S. Department of Life and Death says that everything you do or don’t do is going to kill you.  All 100 percent of the doctors surveyed in major U.S. hospitals confirm that every one of their patients dies eventually.  Ralph Nader says it’s just a scam designed to sell more life insurance, but Dick Clark the notorious host of American Bandstand and New Years Rockin’ Eve says it makes sense to him, except in his own case.

“Everyone I’ve known over the past 500 years has died except for a handful of people and most of them are moments away from checking out right now,” said Dick Clark in a rare interview that didn’t fall close to New Year’s Day.  “It looks to me that the study is mostly right.”

Social Scientist Mabel McGraw, sister and agent for Quick Draw McGraw a cartoon horse, said that Clark is overly optimistic about his own chances.  “He’ll keel over one of these days; nobody avoids the Grim Reaper forever.  I’ll give him two maybe three more years at the outside.”  The Grim Reaper agrees.

“I’ve been coming for everybody and that’s not going to end anytime soon,” said Grim sipping a Coca-Cola Blak and puffing on a Padron 3000.  “Do whatever you want.  Buy some vitamins, exercise, have your face rebuilt one more time, whatever, I don’t care.  I’ll be at your door soon enough.”

Dick Clark won’t hear of it.  “Screw him.  When he shows up, I won’t be at home.  Heck half of the people I know say I’m not at home now!”

In other news Osama Bin Laden says the Grim Reaper can’t get him because the rock he’s under makes him invisible.  George Bush says he might be right.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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