New Study: Everything Will Kill You

Only Dick Clark will live forever

Inebriated Press
September 4, 2007

A new study released today by the U.S. Department of Life and Death says that everything you do or don’t do is going to kill you.  All 100 percent of the doctors surveyed in major U.S. hospitals confirm that every one of their patients dies eventually.  Ralph Nader says it’s just a scam designed to sell more life insurance, but Dick Clark the notorious host of American Bandstand and New Years Rockin’ Eve says it makes sense to him, except in his own case.

“Everyone I’ve known over the past 500 years has died except for a handful of people and most of them are moments away from checking out right now,” said Dick Clark in a rare interview that didn’t fall close to New Year’s Day.  “It looks to me that the study is mostly right.”

Social Scientist Mabel McGraw, sister and agent for Quick Draw McGraw a cartoon horse, said that Clark is overly optimistic about his own chances.  “He’ll keel over one of these days; nobody avoids the Grim Reaper forever.  I’ll give him two maybe three more years at the outside.”  The Grim Reaper agrees.

“I’ve been coming for everybody and that’s not going to end anytime soon,” said Grim sipping a Coca-Cola Blak and puffing on a Padron 3000.  “Do whatever you want.  Buy some vitamins, exercise, have your face rebuilt one more time, whatever, I don’t care.  I’ll be at your door soon enough.”

Dick Clark won’t hear of it.  “Screw him.  When he shows up, I won’t be at home.  Heck half of the people I know say I’m not at home now!”

In other news Osama Bin Laden says the Grim Reaper can’t get him because the rock he’s under makes him invisible.  George Bush says he might be right.

© 2007

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