Daily Archives: September 5, 2007

First Individual Human DNA Sequence Decoded, Clicker Gene Discovered

Man’s DNA demands he change channels

Inebriated Press
September 5, 2007

For the first time in history scientists have decoded the complete DNA sequence of a single human being.  Researchers from Canada, the United States and Spain have decoded all 46 of the chromosomes belonging to J. Craig Venter, a 60-year-old American biologist with a penchant for dominating the TV channel changer at home.  “It’s a genetic quirk in the man’s DNA,” said Lewie Luow, a genetic scientist at Bob’s DNA Lab in Hoboken.  “He can’t help himself.  Constantly changing channels and refusing to share the remote with others is hard coded into the guy.  We’re not sure about the beer and Doritos yet.”

With the boggling array of genetic quirks, burps and hiccups found in the full DNA sequence of one healthy middle-aged man, the human genome has now shrugged off its reputation for being perhaps the world’s most boring and predictable molecule.  “There’s some pretty wild shit in there,” said Geneticist Luow, popping an aspirin and chugging a quart of Jack Daniels.  “I think I spotted Bin Laden’s hideout.”

The findings, released today in PLoS Biology, a free, online scientific journal, give researchers a trove of new targets when hunting for genetic traits.  Scientists believe they are close to isolating genetic reasons for the shoe buying habits of women and the refusal of men to ask for directions.  At the same time, the study serves up a sobering dose of reality for genetic medicine.

“Some things are going to be tougher to figure out than we’d hoped,” said Heather Husky, geneticist at the Berkeley School of Dance and Gene Therapy.  “Spotting the gene that can cut fat off my hips and transfer it to my chest isn’t going to be as simple as we once thought.  And it looks like we’re still a long way from discovering why men will spend hours grilling but won’t change their socks.”
 
Dr. Steve Scherer, senior scientist at Toronto’s Hospital for Sick Children has found that people can carry several extra copies of genes, or be missing them completely, and still be healthy.  He said that this probably explains Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Nicole Richie.  “If I had to guess at how these women are able to function within society with their lack of common sense, I’d say genetics are holding them together somehow,” said Dr. Scherer.  “There’s no fundamental logic that allows them to walk and talk let alone drive a car that I can see.”

In other news, U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has turned down an offer to have her DNA sequenced saying that she felt politicians from California needed to remain an enigma.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Bush: Peace or Holocaust, Time to Choose

Fed up with “bullshit”, Bush makes offer

Inebriated Press
September 5, 2007

President George W. Bush announced today that he’s giving all non-American people in Bagdad three days to get their shit together or he’s dropping a nuclear weapon on the city.  Last week Bush pulled troops out of the city and set up a parameter around it allowing no one in or out.  That was controversial and considered unusual, but his latest announcement seems geared toward encouraging people in Bagdad to work out their problems on their own.  Many Republicans were surprised by the “excessively creative” stance.  Democrats were incensed.

“He can’t do this,” said U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi massaging her temple with her left shoe.  “It’s barbaric and inhumane.  We should just pull out of Iraq and see what happens, that’s all.  If terrorists take over, so what.  If they get organized and attack us in the U.S. again, so what.  We’ll just arrange a meeting at Berkeley with them and sit down and talk things out.  It’s really that simple.  Bush is off is gourd.”

Some Republicans think Bush might be onto something.  House Republican Leader John Boehner said that Bush’s decision might help the residents of Bagdad sharpen their own peace efforts.  “Someone once said that nothing focuses the mind quite like the thought of being hanged in the morning,” said Boehner.  “This ought to get them thinking at least.”

President Bush said that he was tired of waiting patiently for the Iraqi’s to figure out that working together towards peace was in their best interest.  “They want to fight and kill each other, shit, let them then.  We’ll make all the sons of bitches martyrs,” said Bush.  “Either they choose peace and get peace, or choose more fighting and get peace.  Either way I’m making Bagdad the calmest and most peaceful spot of dirt on the planet.  It’s their choice whether that dirt has people walking on it or it’s radioactive.”

In other news, Senator Hillary Clinton said that if she’s elected president no one will have to worry about George W. Bush anymore because she’ll be president.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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