Fed up with “bullshit”, Bush makes offer
September 5, 2007
President George W. Bush announced today that he’s giving all non-American people in Bagdad three days to get their shit together or he’s dropping a nuclear weapon on the city. Last week Bush pulled troops out of the city and set up a parameter around it allowing no one in or out. That was controversial and considered unusual, but his latest announcement seems geared toward encouraging people in Bagdad to work out their problems on their own. Many Republicans were surprised by the “excessively creative” stance. Democrats were incensed.
“He can’t do this,” said U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi massaging her temple with her left shoe. “It’s barbaric and inhumane. We should just pull out of Iraq and see what happens, that’s all. If terrorists take over, so what. If they get organized and attack us in the U.S. again, so what. We’ll just arrange a meeting at Berkeley with them and sit down and talk things out. It’s really that simple. Bush is off is gourd.”
Some Republicans think Bush might be onto something. House Republican Leader John Boehner said that Bush’s decision might help the residents of Bagdad sharpen their own peace efforts. “Someone once said that nothing focuses the mind quite like the thought of being hanged in the morning,” said Boehner. “This ought to get them thinking at least.”
President Bush said that he was tired of waiting patiently for the Iraqi’s to figure out that working together towards peace was in their best interest. “They want to fight and kill each other, shit, let them then. We’ll make all the sons of bitches martyrs,” said Bush. “Either they choose peace and get peace, or choose more fighting and get peace. Either way I’m making Bagdad the calmest and most peaceful spot of dirt on the planet. It’s their choice whether that dirt has people walking on it or it’s radioactive.”
In other news, Senator Hillary Clinton said that if she’s elected president no one will have to worry about George W. Bush anymore because she’ll be president.
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