Daily Archives: September 6, 2007

Nuclear Missile Incident Results in Obama-Clinton Smack Down

Armed missiles fly across U.S. in violation of policy

Inebriated Press
September 6, 2007

A United States military B-52 mistakenly flew over U.S. territory with five armed nuclear missiles, CNN reported Wednesday. According to CNN, the Pentagon has launched an investigation of the incident.  The pilot says it was no big deal and that he was just “airing them out”.  He said they were getting musty sitting around in a missile silo.  Presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton both said they were shocked to learn that the military moves bombs.  The two candidates argued over which was the most shocked and a tie-breaker has been scheduled by the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) for next Tuesday evening on the Spike TV Network. 

The TV event is called the “WWF Shocked-Democrat Smack Down” and in addition to the Obama-Clinton headliner it will feature several smaller fights between lesser Democrats also expressing shock and dismay over current events.  In the Obama-Clinton fight WWF odds-makers currently offer 2 to1 in favor of Hillary.  “I like her, she fights dirty,” said Hakim Murphy an Arab-Irish bookie in the U.S. illegally who picks melons in his spare time.  “It should be one hell of a fight though.  Obama’s no creampuff.”

According to CNN, the bomber flew from the Minot airbase in North Dakota to the Barksdale military airfield in Louisiana last week carrying armed nuclear cruise missiles.  Some officials are concerned that the breach of policy could have resulted in disaster for a U.S. city.  Current U.S. policy for bombers with armed nukes requires them to fly over Canada or Mexico in case a bomb falls off.  But not everyone is bothered.

“In the right hands and under the proper conditions loaded and armed weapons are no danger to anyone,” said U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney.  “When I shot my friend in the face I’d had a few beers and was hunting birds.  It was a common hunting accident.  This B-52 wasn’t hunting and there were trained sober pilots at the controls.  As long as nukes aren’t in the hands of Democrats or drunken NASA astronauts, we have nothing to be afraid of.”

Past presidential candidate and safety activist Ralph Nader says Cheney is wrong and U.S. citizens have plenty to be worried about.  “Health care, global warming, nuclear holocaust, Chinese food and bad Saturday Night Live skits … the list goes on and on,” said Nader.  “There is so much to worry about that Americans shouldn’t be getting any sleep at all.  I’m so worried I gave up sleep a couple of years ago and get by on green tea and onions.  I’ve got the shits bad but it’s a small price to pay to keep an eye on stuff I have no control over.”

The Pentagon says it will make the results of its investigation public following the Obama-Clinton WWF match or rematch or re-rematch sometime next week or next year.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Bipolar Diagnosis Jumps 40 Times, Sufferers Jump Usually Once

Experts rename it “Britney Disease”

Inebriated Press
September 6, 2007

The number of young people treated for bipolar disorder increased 40-fold in the United States between 1994 and 2003, according to a new study.  Doctors say Britney Spears is probably bipolar but they have no explanation for Michael Jackson.

“There is no evidence that there has been an increase in bipolar disorder of this size,” said Dr. Mark “Disbelief” Olfson.  “With the exception of people in Hollywood the rest of the world is remarkably stable.”

Bipolar disorder is a condition in which people swing from periods of mania, an abnormally elevated mood, to depression. It originally was called manic depression but recently doctors have been referring to it as “Britney Disease” or “BD” for short.  “We’ve pretty much decided Britney’s problem is either genetic or mental,” said Dr. Olfson laughing hysterically, then bursting into tears and tossing his favorite kitten out of a fifth story window.  “I’m bipolar myself but am able to control it without medication.”

Until recently, it was easy to miss the first signs of bipolar disorder in a person, because it often is a mild depressive episode that might not be seen as pathological.  Irritability and depressive behavior may be a form of bipolar disorder as well as feelings of aggression, irritation and anger.  Since most people in Hollywood exhibit all of these symptoms doctors have labeled Hollywood the “BD Capital of the World”.  “They can’t help it they’re all nuts,” said Doctor Ameba ProzaK.  “They’re all bipolar.  Sadly when they go right up to the edge many continue on until they drop off.”

Not everyone sees the bipolar increase as a bad thing.  “We need unstable people to blend in with the Islamofascists in Iraq,” said U.S. Army Recruiter Fuzzy Backgammon.  “We’ve been actively recruiting, training and placing bipolar Hollywood actors into Afghanistan and Iraq during the last couple of years.  Eventually they’ll report back with secrets they’ve uncovered if they don’t blow themselves up first … there’s some risk in everything.”

In other news, Rosie O’Donnell and Michael Jackson are planning a new reality TV show in which they live together and try to pretend they’re normal people.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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