Bipolar Diagnosis Jumps 40 Times, Sufferers Jump Usually Once

Experts rename it “Britney Disease”

Inebriated Press
September 6, 2007

The number of young people treated for bipolar disorder increased 40-fold in the United States between 1994 and 2003, according to a new study.  Doctors say Britney Spears is probably bipolar but they have no explanation for Michael Jackson.

“There is no evidence that there has been an increase in bipolar disorder of this size,” said Dr. Mark “Disbelief” Olfson.  “With the exception of people in Hollywood the rest of the world is remarkably stable.”

Bipolar disorder is a condition in which people swing from periods of mania, an abnormally elevated mood, to depression. It originally was called manic depression but recently doctors have been referring to it as “Britney Disease” or “BD” for short.  “We’ve pretty much decided Britney’s problem is either genetic or mental,” said Dr. Olfson laughing hysterically, then bursting into tears and tossing his favorite kitten out of a fifth story window.  “I’m bipolar myself but am able to control it without medication.”

Until recently, it was easy to miss the first signs of bipolar disorder in a person, because it often is a mild depressive episode that might not be seen as pathological.  Irritability and depressive behavior may be a form of bipolar disorder as well as feelings of aggression, irritation and anger.  Since most people in Hollywood exhibit all of these symptoms doctors have labeled Hollywood the “BD Capital of the World”.  “They can’t help it they’re all nuts,” said Doctor Ameba ProzaK.  “They’re all bipolar.  Sadly when they go right up to the edge many continue on until they drop off.”

Not everyone sees the bipolar increase as a bad thing.  “We need unstable people to blend in with the Islamofascists in Iraq,” said U.S. Army Recruiter Fuzzy Backgammon.  “We’ve been actively recruiting, training and placing bipolar Hollywood actors into Afghanistan and Iraq during the last couple of years.  Eventually they’ll report back with secrets they’ve uncovered if they don’t blow themselves up first … there’s some risk in everything.”

In other news, Rosie O’Donnell and Michael Jackson are planning a new reality TV show in which they live together and try to pretend they’re normal people.

© 2007

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