Bin Laden Announces U.S. Health Care Plan

Hopes to boost recruiting

Inebriated Press
September 7, 2007

Tired of hiding under a rock and receiving negative media exposure Osama Bin Laden has announced a new health care plan for Americans who sign up to become Islamofascist terrorists.  U.S. Democrats applauded the effort saying it’s about time that someone other than the Left care about the rising cost of health care.  Republicans oppose the plan saying that they think it might increase the threat of terrorism and slow Army recruitment efforts.  Bin Laden hopes the Republicans are right.

“I’ve grown tired of waiting for more attacks on the U.S. by Middle Eastern Islamofascist warriors that I’ve recruited and trained,” said Bin Laden swatting a lizard while peering out from under a stone in the Afghan mountains.  “Its time to step up recruitment of disenchanted Americans who lack quality health care at affordable prices.  I think I can get some traction with this and then ultimately introduce poison directly into hospitals and the U.S. healthcare system, god willing.”

Operatives at the CIA and FBI say they doubt many will sign up with Bin Laden in spite of the growing healthcare crisis in the country.  “We think he’s overreaching,” said CIA Agent Orange speaking Spanish through an interpreter.  “There are maybe a few gang bangers or dealers who’ll take him up on it because of his Afghan opium and other drug contacts and now his health care plan, but that’s about it.” 

The FBI is hopeful but less optimistic.  “The drug cartels from South America have a good supply network but they don’t offer health care,” said FBI Agent Retro Hoover an expert on drugs and cross dressing.  “This healthcare scheme can’t be dismissed out of hand.”

Republicans are considering a partnership with Argentine dictator Hugo Chavez to make health care programs available to American users through drug cartels based in South America, thereby creating competition for Bin Laden.  Democrats feel this is a bad approach and will only escalate an already troublesome situation.

“The Republicans are thinking of doing deals that provide druggies more health care from the pushers they currently use to offset new Bin Laden affiliated dealers,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.  “How stupid is that?  What they should be doing is working to combine the new resources of Bin Laden and existing ones of Chavez and the Columbians to provide all Americans with affordable healthcare and less costly drugs of all kinds.  Instead of causing competitive chaos between drug dealing healthcare providers, we should be seeking unity and reconciliation.”

In other news, a PEW study reports that 98% of Americans will have difficulty differentiating between illegal drug dealing healthcare providers and legal drug dealing healthcare providers.   The study also said that most Americans believe lawmakers take dope and are dopes.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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