Daily Archives: September 10, 2007

New Bin Laden Tape; Proposes Taking Over Security in Iraq

Celebrates 6-year 9-11 attack by dying his beard

Inebriated Press
September 10, 2007

U.S. officials have analyzed a new video message from Osama bin Laden that marks six years since the September 11 terrorist attacks on the United States.  In the video bin Laden offers to take over responsibility for Iraqi security and celebrates the 911 anniversary by using Just For Men to dye his beard.  The ten minute video shows bin Laden rubbing the coloring on his beard while caressing a young goat with his feet.

“This Just For Men stuff is one of the few redeeming qualities that the infidel bastards who all deserve to die have developed,” bin Laden says on the tape.  “For that I am willing to assume responsibility for security in Iraq.  I will bring peace to that poor nation currently oppressed by infidel bastards who deserve to die.  I will kill the appropriate Iraqi nonbelievers and Muslims In Error and remove the oppressive conditions on the women who suffer from voluntary education and lack of veils.”

A year ago, a leaked French intelligence report said Saudi secret services thought bin Laden had died of typhoid in Pakistan, but Saudi Arabia said such reports were mere speculation and that his decaying body wasn’t good evidence.  “Bin Laden is not dead and he will live forever though the use of good video and computer graphics,” said bin Laden supporter Saul Rosenberg a Jewish man who obviously has no clue how bin Laden feels about Jews.  “I will sing a song in support of his soul each day no matter how bad it sounds.”

Michael Tornby, a specialist in Islamofascism at the Danish University for International Studies and Sticky Buns, said that the new video may prove that bin Laden is alive.  “In the video he sounds pissed off at the West and that’s pretty typical of Middle Eastern culture,” said Tornby scratching his ass with a graduate student.  “But the way he rubbed the goat is characteristic of bin Laden and that makes me think that it was his goat alright.”  Not everyone is so certain.

“Just because there’s a Middle Eastern guy with a goat who wants to control Iraqi security doesn’t mean its bin Laden,” said US Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.  “But I think we should turn Iraq’s security over to whoever it is and get out of the country.  I don’t like the George Bush plan so I think it’s worth a try.  Never mind that things are improving there.  I could change that in a second if I felt like it.”

In other news, Al Jazeera television reports that Osama bin Laden is encouraging suicide bombers to use Just For Men saying that its a good dye to die with.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Mutant Orville Redenbacher Popcorn Kills

ConAgra’s genetically modified corn infiltrated by Bette Midler’s shoe

Inebriated Press
September 10, 2007

In movie theatres across the U.S. a new threat has emerged: killer mutant popcorn laced with Orville Redenbacher’s genes and Bette Midler’s left shoe.  A special unit of the FBI has started an investigation.  Government officials and ConAgra executives are debating what to do.  One thing they all agree on: no one is safe.

“We aren’t sure how the popcorn manifests itself into a killer, but people are dropping like flies at the Acme MoviePlex and Sushi Bar,” said FBI Special Agent Mekong Delta Rice.  “Apparently the mutation has something to do with microbes, genes and a shoe.  We’re hoping that Dr Scholl’s or Monsanto can help. “

When ConAgra acquired the Orville Redenbacher brand, Redenbacher required them to import his genes into the popping corn as some kind of “live forever” scheme he had.  ConAgra dutifully complied and now scientists are finding mutated genes and the corn is partly human, partly vegetable and partly a strain containing DNA from Bette Midlers left shoe.  The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) confirmed that Midler visited a ConAgra popcorn plant to complain that their popcorn wasn’t buttery enough.  Somehow she lost her left shoe when leaving the building and it was absorbed by a Redenbacher popcorn gene.

“You can’t blame me for this mutant popcorn outbreak,” Midler said recently at a Gay Astronaut Pep Rally.  “ConAgra still hasn’t given me back my shoe and I’m pissed enough about that.”

The cloned popcorn containing Redenbacher’s genes and Midlers’ shoe has reportedly caused one consumer to develop lung disease and has made Steve Jobs, CEO at Apple, hose iPhone users with high-cost product introductions.

“This Steve-Orville-Bette (SOB) problem is giving us a real headache,” said CDC operative Misty Greenpeace. “We’ve been hearing a number of consumers referring to Steve Jobs as a SOB recently, but the relation between popcorn and Apple is still sketchy.  One thing we are sure of, there are mutants involved and they’re tricky, dangerous, and charge a lot for their iPhones.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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