Mutant Orville Redenbacher Popcorn Kills

ConAgra’s genetically modified corn infiltrated by Bette Midler’s shoe

Inebriated Press
September 10, 2007

In movie theatres across the U.S. a new threat has emerged: killer mutant popcorn laced with Orville Redenbacher’s genes and Bette Midler’s left shoe.  A special unit of the FBI has started an investigation.  Government officials and ConAgra executives are debating what to do.  One thing they all agree on: no one is safe.

“We aren’t sure how the popcorn manifests itself into a killer, but people are dropping like flies at the Acme MoviePlex and Sushi Bar,” said FBI Special Agent Mekong Delta Rice.  “Apparently the mutation has something to do with microbes, genes and a shoe.  We’re hoping that Dr Scholl’s or Monsanto can help. “

When ConAgra acquired the Orville Redenbacher brand, Redenbacher required them to import his genes into the popping corn as some kind of “live forever” scheme he had.  ConAgra dutifully complied and now scientists are finding mutated genes and the corn is partly human, partly vegetable and partly a strain containing DNA from Bette Midlers left shoe.  The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) confirmed that Midler visited a ConAgra popcorn plant to complain that their popcorn wasn’t buttery enough.  Somehow she lost her left shoe when leaving the building and it was absorbed by a Redenbacher popcorn gene.

“You can’t blame me for this mutant popcorn outbreak,” Midler said recently at a Gay Astronaut Pep Rally.  “ConAgra still hasn’t given me back my shoe and I’m pissed enough about that.”

The cloned popcorn containing Redenbacher’s genes and Midlers’ shoe has reportedly caused one consumer to develop lung disease and has made Steve Jobs, CEO at Apple, hose iPhone users with high-cost product introductions.

“This Steve-Orville-Bette (SOB) problem is giving us a real headache,” said CDC operative Misty Greenpeace. “We’ve been hearing a number of consumers referring to Steve Jobs as a SOB recently, but the relation between popcorn and Apple is still sketchy.  One thing we are sure of, there are mutants involved and they’re tricky, dangerous, and charge a lot for their iPhones.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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