Daily Archives: September 11, 2007

U.S., Democrats and Britney Stagger Ahead

Signs of weak progress in Iraq, debate and MTV

Inebriated Press
September 11, 2007

In the last 48 hours the U.S. Commander of Forces in Iraq reported on Iraqi political progress, the Democrats held a debate in Spanish and Britney Spears performed at MTV’s Video Music Awards.  In all cases there are signs of progress but mostly its slow going and not very pretty.  “I spent the last couple of days watching NFL Football and checking fantasy stats,” said U.S. President George W. Bush.  “I already knew what General Petraeus had in mind on Iraq and Britney and the Democrats are just time wasters.”  Not everyone agrees with the President.

“Bush has no idea what’s going on and won’t even try to speak Spanish,” said U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, while chewing a nail and a nearby Republican.  “I don’t know Spanish but when Democrat politicians try using it then it’s darn important to America.  And as far as Britney is concerned, she’s a single mother who needs our respect just as much as Democrats need her financial contributions.  Everyone is important to me.  I am the American dream of peace, prosperity and an example of a tough woman aging beautifully.”

The commander of U.S. forces in Iraq said that the political progress sought through the surge of American forces this year “has not worked out as we had hoped,” though he said the military front had achieved “tactical momentum”.  On Sunday immigration and the war in Iraq dominated the first ever Spanish-language presidential candidate debate, even though only two of the Democrat candidates speak Spanish.  And Sunday evening an out-of-shape Britney Spears, dressed in sequined black underpants and bra, moved tentatively around the MTV stage and forgot the words to a song whose main lyric was “Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.”

Professor Gepetto Springsteen a rock’n roll wannabee and an expert in American culture and politics said the U.S. lacks focus and spends too much time “squirming around” ineffectively.  “The U.S. plan in Iraq, the Democrats wacky attempt to hook the Hispanic vote and Britney Spears trying to create the illusion of a normal woman all display signs of riding the edge of disaster,” said Springsteen.  “Each situation can be salvaged but in all cases the players have to grasp reality.  It’s the denial of reality that has all of these on the ropes and risks making them into really bad jokes — or worse.”

Springsteen says that in Iraq the U.S. needs to take a firmer hand and kill those needing to be killed even if that means accidentally taking out a few people who shouldn’t have to die.  “In the Middle East you have to error on the side of caution.  Caution in the Middle East means you take out anybody you’re uncomfortable with.  It’s their traditional approach to things and the way those countries manage.  We haven’t killed indiscriminately and it’s why we’re struggling,” he said.

The Democrats and Britney Spears also have “reality based issues” according to Springsteen.  “They’re both living under the illusion of being progressive,” said Springsteen.  “But faking a language you don’t know and forgetting the words to a song that is supposed to be your next big hit basically indicates you’ve abandoned reality.  Britney and the Democratic Party are mentally wandering in a parking lot with paper bags full of empty cans.”  Not everyone agrees.

“I thought Britney looked fine and the Democratic presidential debate went well,” said Senator and presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.  “It’s just Obama who rubs me the wrong way.  That and Pelosi aging better than me.  I wonder what she’s using in her hair?”

In other news, President Bush is ahead in his NFL fantasy pool and Senator Harry Reid is living in a fantasy pool.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Georgia Woman Gives Birth to Pony

Husband considers divorce

Inebriated Press
September 11, 2007

A Georgia woman gave birth to a Shetland pony this week startling attending doctors and nurses.  Unnamed sources from inside the Arp Community Hospital said a doctor passed out and several nurses began throwing up.  A janitor who was called to clean up the puke assisted the remaining medical staff.  Reportedly the janitor recognized the Shetland’s hooves and delivered the pony after calling for a piece of rope and some straw.  Mother and pony are doing well but the woman’s husband said he has no Shetland genes in his family and may file for divorce. 

Alma Hokey of Arp Georgia said she used fertility drugs from a local veterinary clinic because she and her husband Arnold had been having difficulty producing offspring.  Veterinarian Felix Guffaw said he was unaware of anyone using his clinics drugs for human reproductive therapy but that it didn’t really surprise him.  “It’s not unusual for people to self medicate using animal pharmaceuticals although I don’t recommend it,” said Dr Guffaw.  “Whether the Hokey woman from Arp used our drugs I don’t know but even if she did I consider the Shetland birth unusual.”

Investigative reporter Susie Bright said executives from pharmaceutical giant Merck have denied any connection to Hokey, Georgia or Shetland ponies but admitted knowledge of the human reproductive system.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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