Daily Archives: September 12, 2007

Google or Apple to Buy Wireless Spectrum

FCC to auction it off; where’s Bill Gates?

Inebriated Press
September 13, 2007

The Federal Communications Commission will auction the wireless spectrum to the highest bidders on January 16, 2008.  Sources tell Business Week that Steve Jobs has dibs on some of it for his iPhone and the Google Guys are eying a piece for their secretive gPhone project.  Absent from the future of wavelength control appears to be Bill Gates currently explaining why Vista will be fine and chasing Google by building server farms.  Will the future be driven without Microsoft?

Dubbed “beachfront property” by the Federal Communications Commission, it’s the last swathe of wireless spectrum likely to become available that would have the attributes necessary for a new mainstream broadband network.  Signals at the 700Mhz spectrum, for example, could provide far faster Internet access than today’s cellular or even Wi-Fi networks, and the signals can easily pass through walls, buildings and Britney Spears brain.  But not everyone agrees.

“I think it can pass through concrete but not Britney’s brain,” said Sci-Fi writer and brain expert Crain Eium.  “There is nothing currently known to humankind that can penetrate the fog that’s in there.  If there were, Britney wouldn’t have been wearing that outfit at the MTV Awards.”

Some experts think that Apple will buy at least some of the spectrum and be able to pipe signals of their own to iPods, iPhones and other devises.  Others believe that Google will buy some or all of it so they can offer Internet services piping users directly into Google’s servers and ultimately bundle server based app’s and gPhone devises.  If Microsoft has any plans they aren’t talking.

“I tried reaching Bill Gates about our offering,” said FCC Chairman Kevin Martin.  “His secretary told me that he was out to lunch.  I assume she meant he was eating someplace.”  Others aren’t so sure.

“Gates wanted PC’s on every desk and he has pretty much accomplished that,” said CNET executive Chuck Cooper turning a back flip.  “He’s lost his motivation and from what I hear he’s drunk and playing cards with Buffett in Omaha.”

A Microsoft spokesman disagreed with Cooper saying, “He’s not currently playing cards.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Dog Faced Boy Returns From Space

Conducts secret research on International Space Station

Inebriated Press
September 12, 2007

Americas well known but secretive Dog Faced Boy returned from the International Space Station this week landing safely in Central Kazakhstan.  The multi-millionaire space tourist traveled to and from the Station under an agreement with the Russian Federal Space Agency.  Russian officials said that the American agreed to pay Russia $15 million in cash and provide them with 100 Iowa Lotto Scratch Tickets.  An unnamed source said the Dog Faced Boy was doing research for a deal he has with either Disney or the Spice Channel to appear in a movie called “The Dog Faced Boy and Milky Way”.  Disney and Spice Channel officials would neither confirm nor deny the report and some sources say it’s a joint venture.

In past months both the Spice Channel and Disney have reportedly been considering shaggy dog stories involving pets, people and Russians.  “We haven’t had much in the way of a decent shaggy dog story since our 1959 effort,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger in an interview with U.S. Farm Report last spring.  “To juice things up we’ve considered creating genetically modified farm animals and involving Russian circus performers.”  Reportedly a Spice executive also spoke with U.S. Farm Report and talked at length about silicon based life forms.

Secret sources within Disney tell us they believe there is a feature film ahead involving the Dog Faced Boy, modified Russian women and spices like nutmeg and cinnamon.  Other sources say Old Spice Aftershave has a deal with the Russians to supply deodorant for dogs and that the Dog Faced Boy will be pitching the product in Russia.  Spies at the CIA leaked a report last week indicating that dogs are less dangerous than Russians but when combined with the Spice Channel could wreak havoc on college campuses across America.

In other news, word out of the Australian Outback indicates a drier than usual summer with some crops and livestock getting jobs in theaters selling Slushies.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid