Daily Archives: September 13, 2007

On the Trail with Hillary’s Money

Clinton to return funds improperly laundered

Inebriated Press
September 13, 2007

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton’s presidential campaign announced that it would return about $850,000 to about 260 donors who had been recruited by Norman Hsu, a Clinton campaign fund-raiser who recently fled arrest and is now under investigation for his fund-raising practices.  Hsu laundered the money through other people like many Clinton fund-raisers do, but didn’t keep a low enough profile and was busted by the FBI.  Hillary chastised Hsu saying he was a dumb ass and should have learned from The Lincoln Bedroom pay scheme she ran in the 1990’s while living in the White House.

“I had to wiggle out of The Lincoln Bedroom scam I had going with donors back in the 1990’s when I was First Lady,” said Senator Clinton at a fundraiser held at a New York dog track.  “After evading that problem I warned all of our campaign donors to use proper money laundering techniques and keep a low profile.  Mr. Hsu knew better but carried on anyway.  Now I’ve got to send the cash back hoping it’ll keep the FBI from checking the rest of my deals.  What a dumb ass.”

The New York Times reported on Sunday that Mr. Hsu had paid a total of more than $100,000 to at least nine people who made campaign contributions to Mrs. Clinton and others through Mr. Hsu.  Back in 1996 President Bill Clinton’s fund-raising for a second term brought probes into his and the Democratic Party’s campaign practices including overnight White House guest stays for donors.  Later The Lincoln Bedroom stays raised questions about former first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton’s campaign for Senate in New York.  The FBI has been cordial but firm over the recent Clinton scam.

“We’re used to the Clinton’s and find all the scam’s that they run kind of amusing,” said an FBI Agent who requested his name be kept confidential.  “If they didn’t do such a good job of laundering the money they pay law enforcement we’d have both Hillary and Bill in the clink today.  But they do a good job with the cash exchanges that really count.  Nevertheless we have to bust one of their fund-raising partners now and then when they get too much exposure and it starts looking like the FBI isn’t paying attention.” 

The San Francisco Chronicle said if Norman Hsu had been content to write $2,000 checks to Democratic politicians, he might still be living the good life in New York City and have another shot at a Lincoln Bedroom stay instead of looking at as many as three years in a California state prison.

While Democrats have scrambled to distance themselves from Hsu and his money, the politicians have been silent on the problem of outsourcing fundraising to bundlers like Hsu, who operate virtually uncontrolled by the candidates they back. 

In other news, California Senator Dianne Feinstein says all Democrat fund-raisers are basically honest and abide by Party rules.  “It’s a don’t-ask, don’t-tell world governed by flexible ethics,” Feinstein said between Jell-O shots at a Hollywood fundraiser.  “I am my own god and that’s what all good politicians believe.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Janet Jackson’s Boob-flash Case in Court

CBS wants FCC fine money back

Inebriated Press
September 13, 2007

Should the judges revoke the $550,000 fine the FCC levied against CBS for Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” during the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show?  CBS says “yes” and the FCC says “no”.  Janet Jackson’s boob had no comment and Justin Timberlake just smiled and buffed his MTV awards.  At issue: who is liable for out-of-control actors and actresses?  And if no one is liable, can breasts be exposed indiscriminately?  Lots of young guys want to know the answer to that important question.

“It’s about time we start relaxing the TV standards and start showing flesh the way it was intended,” said Salty Extract a local polygamist and unmarried guy who likes hooters.  “I mean come on, it was the Super Bowl.  Sex and violence go together like cookies and cream, caramel and apples.”   But not everyone is taking it quite so casually.

“I am shocked over this entire debate,” said Hugh Heffner, Playboy founder and fondler of thousands of breasts over the years.  “I’m not taking this casually.  This is a silly debate and a waste of taxpayers’ money.  The FCC should give the cash back to CBS and start worrying about things other than boobies.  Breasts were made to be exposed in any and every way possible.  It’s the right thing to do.”

The debate over liability is mostly legal, statutory and constitutional – though one of the judges, Marjorie O. Rendell, asked: If Paris Hilton is paid to appear as a guest on David Letterman’s show and signs a contract to act appropriately, but then does not, is CBS liable?  The FCC lawyer, Eric Miller, said: Yes, probably; unless she’s my client, then she can do whatever she damn well pleases.  It is a free country after all.

A ruling is expected in a few months but it’s anticipated that breasts will remain a topic of discussion, visualization and fondling well into the future.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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