Daily Archives: September 14, 2007

Get Pregnant for Putin, Win a New fridge

Knocked up for Frigidaire
Russia’s new Military Industrial Sexual Complex

Inebriated Press
September 14, 2007

Sex and violence; kids and bombs.  Russia is catching up with popular trends fast.  To rebuild their declining population the Russian government is offering cash and prizes — including refrigerators — to citizens who can pop out a kid on Russia Day by getting pregnant on Conception Day.  Meanwhile the Russian army says they’ve tested the ‘father of all bombs’, a vacuum device capable of emitting shockwaves as powerful as a nuclear weapon.  Where is Nancy Reagan’s “just say no to drugs” campaign when we need it?  The Russian’s have got to be on something stronger than Vodka.

Apparently Russians are as desperate for major appliances as their government is for population growth.  Officials said that since launching the Preggers for Putin campaign, Ulyanovsk region’s birth rate this year was 4.5 per cent higher than the same period in 2006. On winning refrigerators for getting knocked up, Andrei Malykh, Ulyanovsk’s chief doctor, said: “The scheme is working.  People want the prizes.” 

While couples were drawing the curtains at home, the Russian military showed off their new bomb on television.  ORT First Channel television showed a Tupolev Tu-160 strategic bomber dropping its payload over a testing ground, followed by a massive explosion.  According to Russian generals, the bomb is four times more powerful than the American Massive Ordnance Air Blast Bomb or MOAB.  “Every life form near it evaporated during the test.,” said a Russian General who paid us in U.S. dollars in order to remain anonymous.  “If I were in that region I’d have been indoors banging my wife.  Why risk your life when you could be winning major appliances.”

President Putin recently ordered his long-range nuclear bombers to “mount patrols” in international airspace for the first time since the Cold War.  Putin also called the countries population crisis the most serious problem facing the country in his annual address to the nation last year.  He introduced cash subsidies and prizes to encourage women to have more than one child.   There’s been some confusion.

“When the President announced we were to mount patrols and have more kids, I was unsure of what he meant,” said bomber pilot Ivan Zarchov.  “But after a couple of Vodka shots I figured out it’s my patriotic duty to screw women and the NATO Alliance.  Putin’s plan started making sense to me then.  I kind of like it.”

Andrei and Irina Kartuzov won this year’s “Give Birth to a Patriot on Russia Day” grand prize after the birth of their fourth baby.  The car they received is a locally made SUV named the UAZ-Patriot.  Prizes for getting knocked up include fridges, televisions and off-road vehicles.  To win you simply give birth on the Russia Day holiday of June 12.  “Things turned out okay I guess,” said Andrei.  “We got a new son and a UAZ.  We were kind of hoping for a daughter and an Isuzu.” 

Since Mr Putin, an ex-KGB officer, came to power, Russia’s annual defense spending has been quadrupled and apparently so has the “get knocked up and become a patriot” budget.  In Russia it’s now official that “dropping payloads” has double meaning.

In other news, Entertainment Weekly reports that Britney Spears is weighing whether to take payments from Russia to get knocked up again or payments from Planned Parenthood to never have another child.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

 

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Pope May be Chinese Agent

Catholic Church ponders infiltration threat

Inebriated Press
September 14, 2007

Insiders from Vatican City leaked a memo today reportedly from a High Vatican Cardinal that says the Pope is actually a Chinese agent and has no connection to the Catholic Church, Germany or the Laker Girls.  Catholic faithful throughout the world expressed shock and disbelief as did the Chinese.  Officials at the Vatican denied that it was their memo and High Cardinal Butch Swain said that it looked like his handwriting but it couldn’t be.  An official for the Los Angeles Lakers Cheerleaders refused to comment but posed provocatively for photographers.

Worldwide religious experts have been debating the behavior of the current Pontiff and some are saying he couldn’t have come from Germany or be a “true Catholic”, but Pope Benedict XVI continues to say he is German and can’t even speak Chinese.  Professors from the School of Religion and Questionable Theology say they’re certain the Pope is from China.  “You bet he’s Chinese,” said Professor Zachary Jones a Bishop and bandleader.  “As sure as cats and dogs fight.”  But some think the Pope is who he says he is.

Bishop Ed Kmiec of the Catholic Diocese in Buffalo, New York says he’s pretty sure the Pope is Catholic and from Germany.  “He has the right accent,” the Bishop said this morning at an underground Bingo tournament.  “If he was Chinese someone I know would probably have told me.”

The National Enquirer reported that the Pope has been eating a lot of Chinese food and that their reporters have found chopsticks and empty soy sauce bottles in his trash.  “He’s Chinese, that’s for sure,” said Carly Simon, Enquirer reporter and former singing sensation.  “I’m not sure why, but I know about this kind of stuff.  He can’t fool me.”

In other news, North Korean President Kim Jong Il has secret plans to change his name to Sun Myung Moon and declare himself leader of the Unification Church.  Reportedly he plans to keep wearing the creepy jumpsuits and may add a matching hat.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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