Daily Archives: September 17, 2007

Google and Britney Partner on Space Launch

Strategy will take career to moon

Inebriated Press
September 17, 2007

Silicon Valley giant Google Inc. is teaming with Britney Spears on a commercial rocket launch to the moon funded with 30 million Google AdSense dollars.  Britney Spears’s dazed performance on the MTV Video Music Awards in Las Vegas made her comeback effort look out of sync.  But that’s all changed now that she and Google are going to the moon together.

Sporting a Google logo on her bare chest and wearing white shorts and a cowboy hat Spears talked about making changes and her new approach.  “It’s about launching my career anew and changing my zip code,” said the pop singer over a Jack Daniels at breakfast this morning.  “I read an article about zip codes affecting people’s weight so I’m going to the moon, losing weight and fixing a lot of other stuff that is wrong with my life.  Like, right after the launch I’m having some guys neuter K-Fed.  I’ve said the guy’s got no balls.  Well, when I’m back from the moon, my words will be statement of fact.”  Not everyone is sure the move is right for Britney or Google.

“Britney needs to face her problems and not run away from them,” said Doctor Phil a noted psychologist and a guy who wears shorts too small for him.  “I know that a University of Washington study found that property values and zip codes can affect obesity more than educational level.  But going to the moon on the Google deal won’t change the fact that Britney married a moron and had two kids with him.  And I have no clue what Google’s Sergey Brin is getting from this emotionally.” 

Spears doesn’t care what Doctor Phil thinks.  “I won’t listen to my own advisors, why would I listen to Phil,” asked Britney eating a small calf and washing it down with a can of Hershey’s syrup.  “I know what I can do and that’s go into space like Buzz Aldrin.  Come to think about it, I’m having kind of a buzz and I feel a bit spacey right now.  Shit I bet I’m half way there!  Look up, see, I’m waving!”

According to NASA the goals of Google and Spears mesh well.  Google’s plan is to land a privately funded robotic rover on the Moon that is capable of completing several mission objectives, like driving around and relaying video images back to Earth.  Britney’s first studio album in four years is scheduled for release on Nov. 13 and the music industry has wondered whether her career would recover.  NASA says the partnership puts Spears career back on track.

“Once Britney’s riding that dune buggy on the moon people will forget she wandered around onstage at the MTV Awards,” said NASA Administrator Michael Griffin sporting a tattoo of Spears’s left breast on his forehead.  “I still think she’s hot and once the world see’s her nude in the clear plastic space suit with the Google logo on her chest and spinning donuts with the space buggy, they’re going be after her CD’s like gangbusters.  I just wish she’d have come to NASA first.  What’s Brin got that I don’t have, except maybe a few mil.”

In other news, Osama bin Laden says he thinks Britney is “a real babe” and likes to imagine her naked but wearing a veil.  He also said that except for the lizards and biting flies that hiding under a rock for the last four years has been no big deal.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Aliens influence world opinion, Viagra use

Secret Martian Outpost in France

Inebriated Press
September 17, 2007

NASA says it’s still seeking life on Mars but a secret document leaked from the CIA says Martians are already on earth and are currently living and operating in France.  The CIA report says Martians are influencing world opinion on Iraq, movie themes and the use of Viagra.  Officials at CIA deny that the report exists but French officials will neither confirm nor deny that aliens currently operate most areas of their government and have been making indie films there for years. 

A French official speaking on condition of anonymity and fifty bucks in cash said, “We know they are among us and in control of our Department of Reproductive Management and Kissing.  However, there is no truth to the rumor that they operate our plumbing companies.  My name is Pierre and I will soon become a soccer god.”  Other officials declined to comment despite an offer of fifty bucks. 

The New York Times has reported that Viagra provides a brief increase in male sexual performance but that long term use of the drug eventually destroys the male sex drive entirely.  Viagra use has increased in all countries and the CIA report indicates that they suspect a Martian plot to decimate the human population by encouraging more use of Viagra.  “Often a guy’s dick drops off after a couple of weeks,” said an unnamed doctor at the UCLA Medical Center.  “If this stuff was okay long-term do you think they’d be putting out warnings about seeing a doctor if its results last longer than four hours?  Pfizer would be heralding four-hours-or-more as a medical breakthrough and start selling it in High School vending machines!”

New research conducted at Queen’s University in Belfast, Northern Ireland says Viagra causes sperm cells to prematurely release digestive enzymes that normally break down the wall of a female sperm recipient’s egg.  As a result, sperm from men who take Viagra can no longer fertilize eggs as effectively.  The population growth in France during 2007 is projected to be 0.588% which means it’s basically at a standstill and the government may grind to a stop unless 0.588% of a person is allowed to vote.  The 0.588% of a person vote is currently under consideration in France and people with barrettes are hotly debating it.  Officials at Pfizer, the maker of Viagra, have refused to comment on the vote or Martians.

In other news, reviewers of Iranian filmmaker Mohsen Makhmalbaf’s movie “Sex and Philosophy” say it’s actually about the sock fetish of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and is not about sex or philosophy.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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