Aliens influence world opinion, Viagra use

Secret Martian Outpost in France

Inebriated Press
September 17, 2007

NASA says it’s still seeking life on Mars but a secret document leaked from the CIA says Martians are already on earth and are currently living and operating in France.  The CIA report says Martians are influencing world opinion on Iraq, movie themes and the use of Viagra.  Officials at CIA deny that the report exists but French officials will neither confirm nor deny that aliens currently operate most areas of their government and have been making indie films there for years. 

A French official speaking on condition of anonymity and fifty bucks in cash said, “We know they are among us and in control of our Department of Reproductive Management and Kissing.  However, there is no truth to the rumor that they operate our plumbing companies.  My name is Pierre and I will soon become a soccer god.”  Other officials declined to comment despite an offer of fifty bucks. 

The New York Times has reported that Viagra provides a brief increase in male sexual performance but that long term use of the drug eventually destroys the male sex drive entirely.  Viagra use has increased in all countries and the CIA report indicates that they suspect a Martian plot to decimate the human population by encouraging more use of Viagra.  “Often a guy’s dick drops off after a couple of weeks,” said an unnamed doctor at the UCLA Medical Center.  “If this stuff was okay long-term do you think they’d be putting out warnings about seeing a doctor if its results last longer than four hours?  Pfizer would be heralding four-hours-or-more as a medical breakthrough and start selling it in High School vending machines!”

New research conducted at Queen’s University in Belfast, Northern Ireland says Viagra causes sperm cells to prematurely release digestive enzymes that normally break down the wall of a female sperm recipient’s egg.  As a result, sperm from men who take Viagra can no longer fertilize eggs as effectively.  The population growth in France during 2007 is projected to be 0.588% which means it’s basically at a standstill and the government may grind to a stop unless 0.588% of a person is allowed to vote.  The 0.588% of a person vote is currently under consideration in France and people with barrettes are hotly debating it.  Officials at Pfizer, the maker of Viagra, have refused to comment on the vote or Martians.

In other news, reviewers of Iranian filmmaker Mohsen Makhmalbaf’s movie “Sex and Philosophy” say it’s actually about the sock fetish of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and is not about sex or philosophy.

© 2007

Comments Off on Aliens influence world opinion, Viagra use

Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid

Comments are closed.