Gun toting souvenir collector gets nabbed
September 18, 2007
O.J. Simpson, the crafty double murderer, was caught using a handgun to collect some of his old football memorabilia in a Las Vegas hotel this past week. Simpson says his arrest was just a misunderstanding and that he and his buddy Tommy Riccio often shakedown people just for fun. Simpson was charged on Sunday with six felonies in connection with the incident and told reporters that since he didn’t kill anyone this time that the rap should be easy to beat.
“It’s basically a misunderstanding that the police have about me and how I live my life,” said O.J. strangling a small kitten and tossing it into a waste basket. “I’m an out there kind of guy and my lifestyle involves sex, violence and murder. It’s high time that America’s police officers stop harassing me for my alternative lifestyle and start protecting my right to do what I want.”
Simpson said he went to the room at the Palace Station Hotel & Casino on Thursday night to reclaim personal photos — some snapped by his slain ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson — and football souvenirs that he said had been stolen by a former agent. Riccio, owner of the Universal Rarities auction house and a local Mafia leader accompanied O.J. to the room. A judge ordered that Simpson be held without bail, pending an arraignment set for Thursday. The episode expands Simpson’s growing resume of legal trouble and cops aren’t amused.
“I’m not saying that O.J. is a low life son of a bitch,” said Ned Beatty a police officer and part time actor-impersonator. “But if I were calling someone a low life son of a bitch a guy like O.J. sure comes to mind.” Not everyone agrees with police.
“O.J. is OK,” said Tommy Riccio an auction house owner and seller of highly collectable guns and ammo without serial numbers. “He’s good stuff and me and him are businessmen in some professional dealings and all. This copper stuff go’in on is nothing, believe me. Jus forget about it.”
Simpson was once a popular professional football player who parlayed his fame into rental car endorsements and movies. His popularity fell after he killed his wife and her lover but beat the murder rap. He was later found guilty in a civil trial of severely hampering the two people’s ability to stay alive. Simpson continues to say he’s innocent but routinely publishes books and letters outlining in detail how he killed them and then offers tongue-in-cheek throwaway lines like “if I really did” and “had I been found guilty”. Under U.S. law an individual cannot be retried for the same murder twice and Simpson likes to play on that while publishing highly provocative material about the deaths.
“Simpson is an example of a killer going free and taunting society’s conventions,” said Barbie Walters a secret Playboy Playmate and occasional television interviewer. “I think he provides a terrific example to the youth of America. I’m not sure that everything he’s done is good but he does exhibit an independent attitude and that’s pretty much okay.”
In other news, Cher is planning to remake the song “Tramps and Thieves” and hopes to put O.J. on the cover.
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