Daily Archives: September 18, 2007

Oops O.J. in Jail Again

Gun toting souvenir collector gets nabbed

Inebriated Press
September 18, 2007

O.J. Simpson, the crafty double murderer, was caught using a handgun to collect some of his old football memorabilia in a Las Vegas hotel this past week.  Simpson says his arrest was just a misunderstanding and that he and his buddy Tommy Riccio often shakedown people just for fun.  Simpson was charged on Sunday with six felonies in connection with the incident and told reporters that since he didn’t kill anyone this time that the rap should be easy to beat.

“It’s basically a misunderstanding that the police have about me and how I live my life,” said O.J. strangling a small kitten and tossing it into a waste basket.  “I’m an out there kind of guy and my lifestyle involves sex, violence and murder.  It’s high time that America’s police officers stop harassing me for my alternative lifestyle and start protecting my right to do what I want.”

Simpson said he went to the room at the Palace Station Hotel & Casino on Thursday night to reclaim personal photos — some snapped by his slain ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson — and football souvenirs that he said had been stolen by a former agent.  Riccio, owner of the Universal Rarities auction house and a local Mafia leader accompanied O.J. to the room.  A judge ordered that Simpson be held without bail, pending an arraignment set for Thursday.  The episode expands Simpson’s growing resume of legal trouble and cops aren’t amused.

“I’m not saying that O.J. is a low life son of a bitch,” said Ned Beatty a police officer and part time actor-impersonator.  “But if I were calling someone a low life son of a bitch a guy like O.J. sure comes to mind.”  Not everyone agrees with police.

“O.J. is OK,” said Tommy Riccio an auction house owner and seller of highly collectable guns and ammo without serial numbers.  “He’s good stuff and me and him are businessmen in some professional dealings and all.  This copper stuff go’in on is nothing, believe me.  Jus forget about it.”

Simpson was once a popular professional football player who parlayed his fame into rental car endorsements and movies.  His popularity fell after he killed his wife and her lover but beat the murder rap.  He was later found guilty in a civil trial of severely hampering the two people’s ability to stay alive.  Simpson continues to say he’s innocent but routinely publishes books and letters outlining in detail how he killed them and then offers tongue-in-cheek throwaway lines like “if I really did” and “had I been found guilty”.  Under U.S. law an individual cannot be retried for the same murder twice and Simpson likes to play on that while publishing highly provocative material about the deaths.

“Simpson is an example of a killer going free and taunting society’s conventions,” said Barbie Walters a secret Playboy Playmate and occasional television interviewer.  “I think he provides a terrific example to the youth of America.  I’m not sure that everything he’s done is good but he does exhibit an independent attitude and that’s pretty much okay.”

In other news, Cher is planning to remake the song “Tramps and Thieves” and hopes to put O.J. on the cover.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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South American Drug Cartel Running U.S.

IPO ahead?

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
September 18, 2007

A secret report generated by the FBI and uncovered by IP’s Tabloid Division says the U.S. government is currently being managed by the Cali Cartel, a drug organization founded by the Rodríguez Orejuela brothers of Cali, Columbia.  The Orejuela’s hail from a higher social background than most other traffickers and the group’s nickname is “Cali’s Gentlemen”.  House Democrats say the Columbian connection is not only classy, but it can reduce the cost of U.S. healthcare and assist in deficit reduction.  Republicans like the financial strength of the group but are uncomfortable with the Cartel’s tendency to murder people.  Wall Street thinks the group would make a good stock play and is encouraging an Initial Public Offering (IPO) of shares.

“What’s good for the country is good for the stock market,” the report sited a Merrill Lynch executive saying.  “With the Cali Cartel running U.S. Health and Human Services for free yet using Social Security Offices to distribute legal and illegal drugs, they can leverage the distribution system and keep costs down and revenue up.  That’s good for U.S. consumers, and the Cartel business.  With all the drugs in schools, Cali stock should be in the National Education Association (NEA) retirement portfolio.”

Senator and presidential candidate Hillary Clinton thinks it makes sense.  Tucked inside her Universal Health Care plan for 2009 she says candidly, “Cali drug dealers will fund over 25% of my program to get affordable health care to the masses.  This added efficiency will keep costs of the plan to only 200% of what most Americans pay today and keep taxes from quadrupling.  They are classy guys who know how to secretly provide campaign contributions and not get caught, unlike that Asian guy who will remain unnamed in this document.”  But a few Republicans are uncharacteristically squeamish.

“They kill people that cut in on their territory indiscriminately and that concerns me,” said Trent Lott a Republican Senator who favors selective murder and responsible killing.  “While senior citizens who fail to make adequate payments for the drugs they need may be killed by the Cartel thereby reducing the nations demand for Social Security payments, I’m still unsure that it’s a moral way to reduce the U.S. deficit.  Maybe it’s just me.”

The counter-intelligence efforts of the Cali Cartel often surprised U.S. and Colombian officials.  It was discovered in a 1995 raid of Cali Cartel offices, that the cartel had been monitoring all phone calls made in and out of Bogotá and Cali including the U.S. Embassy in Bogotá and the Ministry of Defense.  The FBI report indicated that had CIA used Cali technology they’d have known what was going on in Iraq during the Hussein regime.  They believe U.S. security can be enhanced by actively engaging the Intel Division of the Cartel.  “Let’s face it,” Donald Rumsfeld reportedly said while examining Cartel intel data and candy sale records.  “Good intel is good intel and damn we could use some of that.” 

Gilberto Rodríguez Orejuela was extradited to the United States on December 3, 2004.  On September 26, 2006, Gilberto was sentenced to 30 years in prison where he currently operates several Departments of the U.S. Government including Health and Human Services and the Department of Agriculture.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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