Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
September 18, 2007
A secret report generated by the FBI and uncovered by IP’s Tabloid Division says the U.S. government is currently being managed by the Cali Cartel, a drug organization founded by the Rodríguez Orejuela brothers of Cali, Columbia. The Orejuela’s hail from a higher social background than most other traffickers and the group’s nickname is “Cali’s Gentlemen”. House Democrats say the Columbian connection is not only classy, but it can reduce the cost of U.S. healthcare and assist in deficit reduction. Republicans like the financial strength of the group but are uncomfortable with the Cartel’s tendency to murder people. Wall Street thinks the group would make a good stock play and is encouraging an Initial Public Offering (IPO) of shares.
“What’s good for the country is good for the stock market,” the report sited a Merrill Lynch executive saying. “With the Cali Cartel running U.S. Health and Human Services for free yet using Social Security Offices to distribute legal and illegal drugs, they can leverage the distribution system and keep costs down and revenue up. That’s good for U.S. consumers, and the Cartel business. With all the drugs in schools, Cali stock should be in the National Education Association (NEA) retirement portfolio.”
Senator and presidential candidate Hillary Clinton thinks it makes sense. Tucked inside her Universal Health Care plan for 2009 she says candidly, “Cali drug dealers will fund over 25% of my program to get affordable health care to the masses. This added efficiency will keep costs of the plan to only 200% of what most Americans pay today and keep taxes from quadrupling. They are classy guys who know how to secretly provide campaign contributions and not get caught, unlike that Asian guy who will remain unnamed in this document.” But a few Republicans are uncharacteristically squeamish.
“They kill people that cut in on their territory indiscriminately and that concerns me,” said Trent Lott a Republican Senator who favors selective murder and responsible killing. “While senior citizens who fail to make adequate payments for the drugs they need may be killed by the Cartel thereby reducing the nations demand for Social Security payments, I’m still unsure that it’s a moral way to reduce the U.S. deficit. Maybe it’s just me.”
The counter-intelligence efforts of the Cali Cartel often surprised U.S. and Colombian officials. It was discovered in a 1995 raid of Cali Cartel offices, that the cartel had been monitoring all phone calls made in and out of Bogotá and Cali including the U.S. Embassy in Bogotá and the Ministry of Defense. The FBI report indicated that had CIA used Cali technology they’d have known what was going on in Iraq during the Hussein regime. They believe U.S. security can be enhanced by actively engaging the Intel Division of the Cartel. “Let’s face it,” Donald Rumsfeld reportedly said while examining Cartel intel data and candy sale records. “Good intel is good intel and damn we could use some of that.”
Gilberto Rodríguez Orejuela was extradited to the United States on December 3, 2004. On September 26, 2006, Gilberto was sentenced to 30 years in prison where he currently operates several Departments of the U.S. Government including Health and Human Services and the Department of Agriculture.
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