Daily Archives: September 19, 2007

Sally Field and Britney Spears on Presidential Ticket

Moms will end war and bring peace to world

Inebriated Press
September 19, 2007

Sally Field and Britney Spears have announced that they are running for President and Vice President of the United States.  They represent a brand new political party called Independent Mom-Power In Some Semblance Engaged Directly (IM-PISSED).  Ralph Nader a former Independent presidential candidate welcomed the newcomers.  Nancy Pelosi, a Democrat from California, said she was unhappy with the women trying to cut in on her turf, and Republicans declined to comment.  In announcing her candidacy, Field’s cursed out all politicians and said they were non-mothering war mongers.

“Let’s face it. If mothers ruled the world, there would be no god-damned wars in the first place,” said Sally Field, actress and mother of two, Sunday night at the Emmy Awards.  “All politicians are weak kneed spineless bastards who won’t do the right thing.  The son’s of bitches.”

Media pundits say the Field-Spears combo could win office especially since Spears needs a new career and looks and acts “almost” like a regular mom.  “Spears pretty much destroyed what was left of her singing career at the MTV Award’s last week,” said blonde bombshell Laurie Dhue of Fox News, censoring only a couple of words she planned to say.  “Britney is looking for something to do.  After revelations by her bodyguard that she wanders around her house nude and on drugs in front of her two kids, she needs something to get her focus back.  This could do it.”  Not everyone thinks the platform is a good idea.

“It’s true that Sally Fields is pissed off at the current state of the world and I understand that,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, biting the head off a Pomeranian nearby.  “But we’ve already got enough female politicians today and I don’t want any cutting in on my turf.  Outside of Hillary I’m the most prominent woman in the U.S. Government and I’m pretty pissed off myself.  We don’t need more pissed off female politicians just now.  Sally and Britney should go back to movies or moon rockets or whatever.”

The IM-PISSED Party promises to end all wars within fifteen minutes of taking office.  Reportedly Fields will initiate fiscal restraints on military spending essentially cutting all defense funds and making U.S. involvement in war or defense impossible.  Spears will engage all foreign governments in a global music video conference and through song and dance teach them that peace is better than war.  IM-PISSED says that once foreign governments see the action taken by these two mom’s it will cause all of them to stop fighting and initiate an era of global peace and “laidbackness”.

“I’m really pumped about this new opportunity to bring peace to the world,” said Britney, a singer and mother of two, at a press conference held at Jungle Jim Bobs BBQ Palace.  “I can’t solve my own problems but I’m going to solve the worlds and that’ll bring me a lot of inner peace and stuff.  I may even stop walking around the house without clothes on, and cut back on drugs.  That’s unless I can get a deal from the terrorists in Afghanistan.  I’ve heard they have cornered the talcum market and get it really cheap or something.”

In other news, Michael Jackson believes he would make a fine Secretary of State replacing Condoleezza Rice.  And Ronald Reagan is spinning in his grave at 10,000 RPM.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, Imbibers' Choice, IP News

Body of Jimmy Hoffa Discovered

Sacrificed to Egyptian breast god

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
September 19, 2007

Archeologists have discovered the body of Jimmy Hoffa in an Egyptian pyramid according to an FBI report discovered under a mattress by the IP Tabloid Division.  The report was located along side several other top secret documents like “How Bob and I Killed JFK” and “Map to Elvis House 2001”.  The FBI officially denies that there is such a report but all IP Tabloid staffers agree that the report does exist and that it’s as true as anything they’ve reported to date.

Jimmy Hoffa was a U.S. labor leader and convict who held considerable influence in business and government during the 1960’s and early 70’s.  That influence ebbed after his body mysteriously disappeared in 1975 and he had to do most of his work using séances and petty government officials.  Rumors have floated about indicating he was killed or internally combusted and evaporated as the result of listening to numerous Barry Manilow records.  The new discovery indicates that he was actually mummified by Egyptian med students in order to placate the god Jessie, a part-human part-cow god who controls mammary glands in the after life.  Some doubt the stories truth.

“I don’t think there’s anything to this mammary gland god,” said Susie Stackedhouse, Playtex executive and WWF wrestler.  “It may be Hoffa, but at Playtex we are the gods of mammaries and I’ll take on anyone who says otherwise.” 

But med students don’t want to take any chances.  “Hoffa needs to stay in that tomb and we need to bring milk and cheese as daily tribute,” said Tom Thumb a UCLA med student and mammary enthusiast.  “I read someplace that failure to placate the cow god will result in a rash of flat chested women and silicone rejection like never known in history.  That is not a risk worth taking.”

Doctor Joyce Brothers, noted psychiatrist and woman said the whole issue is absurd.  “Hoffa is not in Egypt and the mammary god thing is simply an example of unhealthy male infatuation,” said Brothers swatting a fly and an unidentified man sitting near her.  “American culture needs to shake off this focus on breasts and realize that I have Hoffa’s body in my basement and plan to auction him on eBay.  I think he’ll sell high because he also has a toast burn on his ass that looks like the Pope shooting pool.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid