Sacrificed to Egyptian breast god
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
September 19, 2007
Archeologists have discovered the body of Jimmy Hoffa in an Egyptian pyramid according to an FBI report discovered under a mattress by the IP Tabloid Division. The report was located along side several other top secret documents like “How Bob and I Killed JFK” and “Map to Elvis House 2001”. The FBI officially denies that there is such a report but all IP Tabloid staffers agree that the report does exist and that it’s as true as anything they’ve reported to date.
Jimmy Hoffa was a U.S. labor leader and convict who held considerable influence in business and government during the 1960’s and early 70’s. That influence ebbed after his body mysteriously disappeared in 1975 and he had to do most of his work using séances and petty government officials. Rumors have floated about indicating he was killed or internally combusted and evaporated as the result of listening to numerous Barry Manilow records. The new discovery indicates that he was actually mummified by Egyptian med students in order to placate the god Jessie, a part-human part-cow god who controls mammary glands in the after life. Some doubt the stories truth.
“I don’t think there’s anything to this mammary gland god,” said Susie Stackedhouse, Playtex executive and WWF wrestler. “It may be Hoffa, but at Playtex we are the gods of mammaries and I’ll take on anyone who says otherwise.”
But med students don’t want to take any chances. “Hoffa needs to stay in that tomb and we need to bring milk and cheese as daily tribute,” said Tom Thumb a UCLA med student and mammary enthusiast. “I read someplace that failure to placate the cow god will result in a rash of flat chested women and silicone rejection like never known in history. That is not a risk worth taking.”
Doctor Joyce Brothers, noted psychiatrist and woman said the whole issue is absurd. “Hoffa is not in Egypt and the mammary god thing is simply an example of unhealthy male infatuation,” said Brothers swatting a fly and an unidentified man sitting near her. “American culture needs to shake off this focus on breasts and realize that I have Hoffa’s body in my basement and plan to auction him on eBay. I think he’ll sell high because he also has a toast burn on his ass that looks like the Pope shooting pool.”
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