Daily Archives: September 20, 2007

O.J. and Nowak Go Berserk

Astronaut and Athlete in court
Love, loss and nut cases

Inebriated Press
September 20, 2007

Former astronaut Lisa Nowak returned to court Wednesday to ask a judge to throw out evidence in her assault and attempted kidnapping case and former athlete O.J. Simpson begins his court fight in Las Vegas over a list of things like: two counts of first-degree kidnapping; two counts of robbery with use of a deadly weapon; burglary while in possession of a deadly weapon; two counts of assault with a deadly weapon; conspiracy to commit kidnapping; conspiracy to commit robbery; and a misdemeanor, conspiracy to commit a crime.  Nowak says she was temporarily insane when she acted up and most people think O.J.’s been nuts for years.  

“O.J. has had trouble distinguishing between what is legal and what’s not,” said psychiatrist and part time plumber Judy Wilson.  “He wants to kill indiscriminately and assault people whenever he wants.  What he’s forgetting is that only professional athletes’ can get away with that stuff and he’s been retired for years.  He can’t get away with murder anymore.”

NASA says Nowak was unstable when she assaulted fellow astronaut Colleen Shipman due to stress caused by organizational change.  NASA had been trying to get all the astronauts to cut back on drinking and focus on sex instead.  “It’s well known that astronauts have been flying the shuttle drunk and we’ve been growing increasingly concerned that it may hurt their ability to fly the multi-million dollar spacecrafts.  So we’ve been encouraging our fly-staff to engage in protected sex as a way to manage stress,” said NASA spokesperson Howdy Doody during an interview at Hooters.  “I guess in Nowak’s case maybe she should have stuck to Jack Daniels instead of Commander Bill Oefelein.”

Simpson says he was just trying to retrieve memorabilia that was stolen from him by using historically proven methods involving violence, and Nowak said she was just trying to be friendly when she stalked Shipman, a female competitor for Oefelsein’s affection, and attacked her with pepper spray.

“It’s all just a simple mistake,” said Nowak and Simpson singing a duet.  “We’re misunderstood lovers and sinners who want to kill those who toy with our affection and rob those who misuse our trust.  Every American wants to be like us, they just don’t have the guts.”

The new single will be produced by Warner Records and be available on iTunes sometime within the next three hours or two to five years or possibly life.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Bottled Water is Tap Water Plus “Ingredient”

Secret formula for world domination discovered

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
September 20, 2007

Hidden behind the microwave at CIA Headquarters in Langley, the IP Tabloid division discovered a blockbuster new report that blows the lid off of the bottled water scam currently being foisted on America and most of the developed world.  Recent media stories have divulged that Pepsi’s Aqua Fina is actually tap water and not spring water mined in the Rockies.  The new report reveals that the bottled water business is even more devious than imagined.

“There’s a secret ingredient in bottled water that makes the user pay from five to ten times more for water that’s in a small container than what they will pay for water out of a faucet,” said Macy Gray an R&B artist and secret tabloid reporter.  “Not only does this weaken the U.S. economy but the ingredient is said to encourage liberal thinking and support world dominion by soft drink companies.” 

Not everyone thinks that Gray has her facts straight.  “The ingredient doesn’t do any of the things that Gray reports,” said Indra Nooyi, CEO at Pepsi.  “It simply drives profits to our bottom line and enhances investor returns.  I mean really, do you think we’d try to rule the world?  I won’t even shave my own dog.”

Many in the R&B community expressed appreciation to Gray for exposing the water scam but don’t plan to stop drinking bottled water.  They say that it’s hip and chic to drink water in a bottle and they don’t mind absorbing a few unknown chemical ingredients even if it makes them beholden to the soft drink industry.  “It’s cool to drink from these bottles,” said Sing Song an R&B executive and major investor in the Coca Cola Company.  “You think I’m going back to glasses and tap water?  I worked long and hard to get where I am and I’m using bottled water no matter what the risk.” 

Soft drink companies say the R&B exec has it right.  “Water in bottles is part of the American dream and represents 35% of our profits,” said Neville Isdell, CEO at Coca Cola.  “No one should be allowed to take that away from our kids or war veterans or my profit sharing plan.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid