O.J. and Nowak Go Berserk

Astronaut and Athlete in court
Love, loss and nut cases

Inebriated Press
September 20, 2007

Former astronaut Lisa Nowak returned to court Wednesday to ask a judge to throw out evidence in her assault and attempted kidnapping case and former athlete O.J. Simpson begins his court fight in Las Vegas over a list of things like: two counts of first-degree kidnapping; two counts of robbery with use of a deadly weapon; burglary while in possession of a deadly weapon; two counts of assault with a deadly weapon; conspiracy to commit kidnapping; conspiracy to commit robbery; and a misdemeanor, conspiracy to commit a crime.  Nowak says she was temporarily insane when she acted up and most people think O.J.’s been nuts for years.  

“O.J. has had trouble distinguishing between what is legal and what’s not,” said psychiatrist and part time plumber Judy Wilson.  “He wants to kill indiscriminately and assault people whenever he wants.  What he’s forgetting is that only professional athletes’ can get away with that stuff and he’s been retired for years.  He can’t get away with murder anymore.”

NASA says Nowak was unstable when she assaulted fellow astronaut Colleen Shipman due to stress caused by organizational change.  NASA had been trying to get all the astronauts to cut back on drinking and focus on sex instead.  “It’s well known that astronauts have been flying the shuttle drunk and we’ve been growing increasingly concerned that it may hurt their ability to fly the multi-million dollar spacecrafts.  So we’ve been encouraging our fly-staff to engage in protected sex as a way to manage stress,” said NASA spokesperson Howdy Doody during an interview at Hooters.  “I guess in Nowak’s case maybe she should have stuck to Jack Daniels instead of Commander Bill Oefelein.”

Simpson says he was just trying to retrieve memorabilia that was stolen from him by using historically proven methods involving violence, and Nowak said she was just trying to be friendly when she stalked Shipman, a female competitor for Oefelsein’s affection, and attacked her with pepper spray.

“It’s all just a simple mistake,” said Nowak and Simpson singing a duet.  “We’re misunderstood lovers and sinners who want to kill those who toy with our affection and rob those who misuse our trust.  Every American wants to be like us, they just don’t have the guts.”

The new single will be produced by Warner Records and be available on iTunes sometime within the next three hours or two to five years or possibly life.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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