Bottled Water is Tap Water Plus “Ingredient”

Secret formula for world domination discovered

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
September 20, 2007

Hidden behind the microwave at CIA Headquarters in Langley, the IP Tabloid division discovered a blockbuster new report that blows the lid off of the bottled water scam currently being foisted on America and most of the developed world.  Recent media stories have divulged that Pepsi’s Aqua Fina is actually tap water and not spring water mined in the Rockies.  The new report reveals that the bottled water business is even more devious than imagined.

“There’s a secret ingredient in bottled water that makes the user pay from five to ten times more for water that’s in a small container than what they will pay for water out of a faucet,” said Macy Gray an R&B artist and secret tabloid reporter.  “Not only does this weaken the U.S. economy but the ingredient is said to encourage liberal thinking and support world dominion by soft drink companies.” 

Not everyone thinks that Gray has her facts straight.  “The ingredient doesn’t do any of the things that Gray reports,” said Indra Nooyi, CEO at Pepsi.  “It simply drives profits to our bottom line and enhances investor returns.  I mean really, do you think we’d try to rule the world?  I won’t even shave my own dog.”

Many in the R&B community expressed appreciation to Gray for exposing the water scam but don’t plan to stop drinking bottled water.  They say that it’s hip and chic to drink water in a bottle and they don’t mind absorbing a few unknown chemical ingredients even if it makes them beholden to the soft drink industry.  “It’s cool to drink from these bottles,” said Sing Song an R&B executive and major investor in the Coca Cola Company.  “You think I’m going back to glasses and tap water?  I worked long and hard to get where I am and I’m using bottled water no matter what the risk.” 

Soft drink companies say the R&B exec has it right.  “Water in bottles is part of the American dream and represents 35% of our profits,” said Neville Isdell, CEO at Coca Cola.  “No one should be allowed to take that away from our kids or war veterans or my profit sharing plan.”

© 2007

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