Daily Archives: September 21, 2007

Iran Wants to Honor Martyred 9-11 Pilots in New York

Scientists hope to use stem cells from testes to repair Iranian leaders’ brain

Inebriated Press
September 21, 2007

Iran’s president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad asked to be permitted to visit New York’s 9-11 ground zero this week and lay a wreath there to honor the martyred Islamofascists who crashed their holy stolen planes into the towers.  Also this week, American researchers discovered a way to identify stem cells in testicles that can be turned into brain cells and used to repair brain damage.  The scientists are hoping to coax Ahmadinejad into letting them cut off his balls and use them to repair his twisted mind.  They figure that even if the brain repair doesn’t work, they’ll have eliminated the chance that he’ll procreate additional Islamofascists.  They say it’s a chance worth taking.  Not everyone agrees.

“The holy testes of our great leader should not be impugned by attempts to use them to fix his brain,” said Grand Âyatollâh Seyyed Ali Khamene’I throwing a bagel into the sewer and cursing it as an unholy Jewish bakery item.  “Besides, we need a leader with balls to enable us to destroy all Jews and infidels and to conquer and rule the world in the next few years, god willing.”

In October 2005 Ahmadinejad said Israel should be “wiped out from the map,” and in January 2006 he said that the Holocaust of the Jews was just a “myth”.  He went on to say, “We must believe in the fact that Islam is not confined to geographical borders … Islam is ready to rule the world.”  Some people would prefer not to live in Ahmadinejad’s world.

“I’d love to get this guy by the balls and do some scientific experimentation myself,” said Malcolm Hoenlein of the American Jewish Organization.  “I’d kind of like to put them in a vice and see if his brain starts to clear a bit.  It’s a worthy idea and I hope he’ll consider it.”

Scientists say that the stem cell collection involves removing a small piece of testicle – about the same amount used for a biopsy.  “We don’t need a lot of material,” says Dr. Marco Seandel, the lead author of a paper to be published today in the journal Nature.  “But in Ahmadinejad’s case, the more the better.”

The scientific team has been hunting for stem cells in testicles for more than a decade. Dr. Seandel says it seemed like an obvious place to look, but they kept getting sidetracked and looking for them in breasts instead.  “We did a lot of research in Playboy and Penthouse at first,” said Seandel.  “But it turned out there weren’t a lot of testes there.  Still the effort was worth it.”  He went on to say, “It turns out it’s pretty easy to find stem cells in guys testicles when you get to looking, but finding properly functioning brain cells in Islamofascists like Ahmadinejad is darn near impossible.  There’s lots of shit in there but not much actual brain activity.  That got us thinking that perhaps we could use the functioning stem cells in the testes to repair the non-performing brain cells. “

Kim Gandy, president of the National Organization for Women (NOW) said that men have been thinking with their balls instead of their brains for years.  “This stem cell in the testes thing and brain repair makes sense to me,” said Gandy, wiping a man off her ass and flushing him.  “Most guys have their brains in their pants and what’s in their head is nothing more than a linier processor that pipes visual images to their nuts.  Women have known this for years.  It’s about time science catches up.”

In other news, Hillary Clinton claims she has balls enough to be president and Republican leaders say she probably does have balls given her pursuit of an expensive health care plan that was killed in the 1990’s; but they prefer she use them somewhere other than the U.S. Government.  Still others say the balls Hillary has belonged to Bill and that after the infamous blue dress episode she began carrying them in her purse.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Scientists Discover New San Andreas Fault Risk

Californians face threat to conscious thought

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
September 21, 2007

Deep undercover IP Tabloid reporter Ziggy “Sunshine” Malone has found a secret scientific report long denied by Los Angeles officials and San Andreas Fault experts.  The report describes a black hole located in Hollywood that sucks logic from the brains of men and women within a fifty mile radius of its location.  Scientists deny that the report exists and say that the napkin fails to reveal any new information.  But local medical examiner and IQ test administrator Quincy, M.E. says it makes sense to him.

“I’ve watched common sense fly out the window in Hollywood over the last couple of decades,” said Quincy an 85 year old actor and pretend medical examiner who often poses as Jack Klugman.  “I’ve suspected that someone was murdering local brain cells for some time but initially I thought it was drugs and alcohol.  I’m willing to believe this black hole thingy.  What the heck, at my age a new idea is worth trying.”

The report, neatly written on the back of a blue napkin by top scientific minds, spells out how the earth’s magnetic pull combined with a high number of fake blondes is combining with electrons and antimatter protons to create an intellectual black hole.  “This is no goofy story thick with artist invention and hyperbole,” said Reporter Malone.  “This is a real story with some facts and stuff.”

Hollywood executives near the intellectual black hole say there’s nothing to the report.  “Shoot that report can’t be right,” said Barry Meyer, Chairman and CEO at Warner Brothers.  “That Dot is so cute and the Warner Brothers are neat and I don’t know why we still aren’t producing Animaniacs even though Spielberg decided to stop and there’s really not a good reason we don’t do something like it and anyway I am and you are and I was just thinking the other day.”

In other news, Whiley Coyote and Road Runner have reportedly retired to an ant farm in Australia where they sell melons from a stand beside the road.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid