Californians face threat to conscious thought
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
September 21, 2007
Deep undercover IP Tabloid reporter Ziggy “Sunshine” Malone has found a secret scientific report long denied by Los Angeles officials and San Andreas Fault experts. The report describes a black hole located in Hollywood that sucks logic from the brains of men and women within a fifty mile radius of its location. Scientists deny that the report exists and say that the napkin fails to reveal any new information. But local medical examiner and IQ test administrator Quincy, M.E. says it makes sense to him.
“I’ve watched common sense fly out the window in Hollywood over the last couple of decades,” said Quincy an 85 year old actor and pretend medical examiner who often poses as Jack Klugman. “I’ve suspected that someone was murdering local brain cells for some time but initially I thought it was drugs and alcohol. I’m willing to believe this black hole thingy. What the heck, at my age a new idea is worth trying.”
The report, neatly written on the back of a blue napkin by top scientific minds, spells out how the earth’s magnetic pull combined with a high number of fake blondes is combining with electrons and antimatter protons to create an intellectual black hole. “This is no goofy story thick with artist invention and hyperbole,” said Reporter Malone. “This is a real story with some facts and stuff.”
Hollywood executives near the intellectual black hole say there’s nothing to the report. “Shoot that report can’t be right,” said Barry Meyer, Chairman and CEO at Warner Brothers. “That Dot is so cute and the Warner Brothers are neat and I don’t know why we still aren’t producing Animaniacs even though Spielberg decided to stop and there’s really not a good reason we don’t do something like it and anyway I am and you are and I was just thinking the other day.”
In other news, Whiley Coyote and Road Runner have reportedly retired to an ant farm in Australia where they sell melons from a stand beside the road.
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