Daily Archives: September 24, 2007

New High Speed Viagra Screws Time

Bayer-Pfizer product comes on hard and fast in 2 seconds or less

Inebriated Press
September 24, 2007

In the battle of the sexes a new weapon has emerged and it’s being tweaked for speed and efficiency.  Guys who can’t wait around when opportunity knocks are snapping up a new Bayer-Pfizer Viagra product the way Rosie O’Donnell scarf’s up flapjacks at IHOP.  The new pharmaceutical is the result of a joint venture and called “Flintstone E-Vitamin Enhanced Release-Viagra” (FEVER-V).

Werner Wenning, CEO for Bayer, maker of Flintstone Vitamins, was sick of waiting fifteen to twenty minutes for regular Viagra to work, and tired of twiddling his fingers and things while it took from five to ten minutes for PT-141 nasal product to kick in.  So he formed a venture with Pfizer, maker of Viagra, and created the new injectable Flintstone-Viagra vitamin product that takes two seconds from injection to full potency.  And as an added bonus he boosted it with extra Flintstone vitamin C so it also helps resist colds and herpes.

“I’ve been dating all my life and I’m not one for wasting time when things get going,” said Wenning flipping the pages of a Penthouse Drug and Ammo catalogue.  “With this high-speed injectable system all a guy has to do is slam the needle end of the FEVER-V cartridge into his thigh and in seconds his leg and other stuff stars swelling up like crazy.  Sure it hurts like hell and you walk with a limp for a couple of days, but other than that the side effects are minimal and you can get right down to business.” 

Not everyone thinks it’s safe or healthy.  “Some of our players have used this stuff and it’s been devastating,” said NFL physician and trumpet player Louie Armstrong.  “Guys come in limping with their legs all jabbed up, parts swollen and barely able to walk.  They seem to think it’s worth it, but I’m an old school kind of guy.  If you can’t get it up, tough shit.  Take a salt tablet and go pump iron.”

Barack Obama says if he’s elected president he’ll make sure FEVER-V is distributed free with any health care plan that his administration develops.  Former president Bill Clinton said he is in favor of including it in Hillary’s health care plan and feels FEVER-V should be distributed to Congressional leaders when Interns are assigned. 

In other news, Hillary Clinton has scheduled Bill Clinton’s neutering for this coming Wednesday and Congressional Interns are invited.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Clueless Silverstone Naked, Columbia U. Too

Alicia sheds clothes for PETA; University sheds brain cells for Ahmadinejad

Inebriated Press
September 24, 2007

Alicia Silverstone, star of the movie “Clueless” appears nude in a new PETA promo spot and says she’s never felt better than since she started hating meat-eaters.  Meanwhile, Columbia University has traded away IQ points in favor of Islamofascism and is hosting Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a self professed Jew hater who funds terrorists in Iraq and Israel and says he and his version of Islam needs to rule the world.  Columbia says they like Jew haters as long as they also hate the U.S. and PETA says they love meat haters especially if they enjoy posing naked.  PETA and Columbia have recently created a new club that combines both.

Called the “Anti-Jewish Anti-Carnivore Know-All Secular-Society” (AJACKASS) one of the first items of business was the creation of a calendar to promote their views and raise funds for future activities.  The calendar is a mishmash containing photos of naked vegetarian meat and Jew haters ranging from veggie Pam Anderson to Jew-hater Adolph Hitler.  While Pam is worth checking out, the nude pictures of Hitler can only be described as disturbing.  Still, Columbia, Ahmadinejad and Silverstone are optimistic about the new club.

“AJACKASS is going to bring a new level of intellectual pursuit and food consumption to the world,” said Columbia President Lee Bollinger swatting an assistant named Greenberg for no apparent reason.  “We at Columbia want to be known as the University that fosters a new era of anti-Semitism and meat haters.  Berkeley has had this turf for long enough.” 

Silverstone likes the idea in general but has some reservations.  “I like the meat-hating part and going naked, but since both my parents are Jewish I’m struggling a little with the Jew-hater part,” said a nude Silverstone juggling her breasts and an orange.  “Still it’s a very innovative approach and since Columbia is the main supporter, it’s got to be okay, right?”  Most left wing intellectuals agree.

“Hating Jews is a time honored historical tradition and hatred for meat-eaters and carnivores is a growing trend that’s chic and important,” said self absorbed genius and abortion-up-to-age-13 advocate Chauncey Trik.  “Irrational hatred is a trend that’s catching on and no longer just the prerogative of liberal universities and the Democratic Party.  If we can keep fanning the flames of this rhetoric we’ll be able to ignite social upheaval that ultimately results in the collapse of the capitalist system and initiates a global government where workers unite in trade unions and intellectuals rule and the middle class is forced into time management jobs for low pay for the good of mankind.  Add naked PETA supporters like Anderson and Silverstone in the mix and my gonads start shining my shoes at the mere thought of it.”

Iran’s Ahmadinejad is traveling to New York to address the United Nations’ General Assembly and is scheduled to appear today at a question-and-answer session with Columbia faculty and students as part of the school’s World Leaders Forum.  Alicia Silverstone isn’t wearing anything in PETA’s latest “I’d rather go naked than wear fur” promotion, and a Texas cable station has banned the ad.

“It’s very disturbing that American media is banning women from television because they hate meat-eaters,” said Iranian President Ahmadinejad.  “It is my hope that with the work of AJACKASS, American’s will become more tolerant and understanding of meat-haters and become supportive of Islamofascist world domination and start hating Jews the way they should.”

CBS’ Entertainment Tonight reports that Michael Moore is producing a new film to promote Columbia University’s quest against stupid meat and Jew loving Americans and it’s called “AJACKASS, Ahmadinejad and Me”.  Reportedly it makes fun of silly American patriots like Jefferson and Lincoln and glamorizes Osama bin Laden as a “noble warrior” in the tradition of Genghis Khan, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Dahmer.
 
In other news, Carmen Electra eats meat, likes Jews, isn’t an intellectual and looks just fine with or without clothing.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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